Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table

ENJOY THE DAY AND HAVE A BEAM 'N COKE!!

2008-09-11T09:14:00.003-05:00

Hi Everybody or Anybody who happens upon this today. Its been a year - a long ass muthafuckin year!

This is Stephanie and Clifford and I thought we'd post up a few words in honor of Biddie, or Greg, or Death as he was known, on the day thats on his death certificate. I know in my heart
(cause of how we found stuff in his apartment) that the true day he left us was on the 9th, but I'll go w/ the paperwork thing that says the 11th.

Anyhew, like I said, its been a long ass year. We're doin' ok, making it along, but never forgetting. There are too many times when we just wanna pick up the phone to call or actually do but then realize he wont answer. My mother sometimes will say she saw a nice house for sale and for me to call Biddie and tell him about it. That was one of our things - she'd see a house, call me to call on it and I would - then call Biddie and tell him about it. Too bad my neighbor didnt get foreclosed on earlier!

The mother woman is not looking forward to her birthday next week but we'll make it thru that too. Shes stronger than she thinks she is and often thru the tears, we laugh hysterically about something Biddie would have done or would have said about something. During all this election shit, we often wonder what he would have blogged about. She misses her son terribly, some days more than others. She's strong in her faith and that gets her thru.

I want to say though, from Clifford and I, that again, we thank you for being a part of Biddies life and for helping us thru this time last year. We'll get thru today and the next week or so and be even stronger for it. We have memories and mementoes, thoughts and visions that keeps him "right here". We'll enjoy our day cause Biddie would want us to. I'm not a Beam drinker but you can bet yours or somebody elses ass I'll have something just as strong later in the day. Ya'll toast up w/ a few of 'em yourselves and enjoy the day.

We love ya!

Stephanie and Clifford

p.s. the monkey is sitting on my desk staring at me and his switch flippin days are over!

Hi ya'll............

2007-11-03T22:38:00.001-05:00

Hey Everybody,

This is not Greg, but Greg's sister. First of all, it's been too long a time and I havent said Thank You to everyone who helped get us thru Greg leaving us and all. I tried to write something but too often couldnt see thru the tears so I just quit. But I second a lot of what my brother said earlier. We're making it and it still stings and sucks big hairy monkey butt for me personally cause I really really really miss my brother. Its a day by day thing still, but in time it'll smooth itself out. I kinda laugh to myself when I think about its Greg, my father and my grandfather all up in heaven together. The grandfather is preachin, daddy is settin little fires everywhere so he can put 'em out and keep busy and Greg is sittin back in the cut eyeballin everything. Remember the movie "Micheal" w/ John Travolta playing the bad-ass angel w/ dirty not so pretty wings? Theres Greg: wings a tad lopsided and the halo is a bit tarnished and tilted to the side. But God is good w/ it and let's him do his thing.

We thank you for your love and support and whenever I get around to printing and having all his rants bound in a book, I'll let the world know.

p.s. R.I.P. Gregory Edward Beck and tell Daddy, Grandma Stella, Popo and the rest of the gang we all said hey and love ya!

So says the sister.......
"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Hello Everyone

2007-10-16T16:39:00.000-05:00

It's been over a month now since Greg took up God's offer to watch the door and check ID's of folks trying to get into heaven.
It's been hard for us dealing with Greg's passing. We're better now, but our day's are still up and down. Especially mine.
I'd like to thank again everyone for their thoughts,prayers,kindness,respect,and love that was showered upon us leading up to his funeral,and the day of. The sea of red on that day bought tears to the eye's of each and everyone of us. It was a pleasure to put the faces together with the names I've had the pleasure of reading over the years. The hugs & handshakes warmed my heart,and I'm happy to call each and everyone of you my brother & sister for life.
I had given some thought to coming home for Thanksgiving. But I don't think so. This still hurts,and I feel I need a bit more of time to myself. I really don't want to make this post about me, but as friends of Greg and my family I want to let you know what's on my mind.
I will be home sometime in the next year,and I'm looking forward to seeing as many of you that I can at the RecordBar and or whereever we decide to meet.

Death's Door,the view from the Spanish Announcers Table will stay up. Comments are welcome, hell,we're looking forward to them. I for one don't want to change a thing about Death's Door, but that's a later topic for Michelle,Stephanie,and myself. Let me know what's going on with you. I'm at cbeck715ATmindspringDOTCOM

Some years back a movie came out about the life of Brian Piccilo,a running back for the Chicago Bears. The movie was a accurate telling of his friendship with Gale Sayers. Brian Piccilo died of cancer. What I remember most of the movie was the last line that was said regarding Brian Piccilo and how I feel it applies to Greg.

In remembering Greg, lets not dwell on his death,and be sad. Smile and remember how he LIVED.

As Always
Cliff

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

and the monkey flipped the switch

2007-09-11T17:09:00.003-05:00

Hi, it's Michelle. I wish I could be guest blogging under different circumstances, but it's not to be.

Greg Beck has passed away. He was found in his home by his family this morning, and we believe that big, generous heart of his finally gave out. Funeral arrangements are being made, and I'll post an update when there are more details.

And as Greg would say, here's a blast from the past...

"As a cat gets older we sometimes begin to think of death and living and how we want to be remembered. And I’ve decided that not only do I want to be cremated... but I want every chick at my funeral rocking the red dress. That’s right, a low-cut red dress with those come fuck me at midnight heels. Well, except for my mother cause I doubt she’ll be having any of that shit. So remember, if brain dead, pull the feeding tube, cremation, and red dresses."

Greg Beck, June 28th, 2005

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-09-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

From the “grumpy old muthafucker” department…………..

Maybe because where I live they’re thick as fuckin cockroaches and always underfoot and I’ve had first hand opportunity over the years to see em interact in bars.

But I’ve always held a less then stellar view when it comes to my younger collage bound brethren. Without going into a drawn out discussion, some of you are truly stupid.

I know that the majority of you clueless fucks have a lot on the ball. But goddamn, I truly fear for the welfare of America if some of you muthafuckers are supposed to represent the future fold.

Seriously, I’m dumbfucked trying to figure out how some of you little fey backpack wearing fucks can walk and hold a conversation at the same time without burning your fuckin brains out and pissing yourselves.

Do I sound harsh?

Maybe but here’s a story that will prove my point.

Up in Boston a couple of Northern University freshmen are well on their way to getting fucked in the ass for the rest of their lives. All simply because they never learned to fuckin whisper or what it means to be fuckin discreet.

I’m just saying that when you lean your stupid, mouth breathing dumb hipster ass out your dorm room window to scream at some other equally stupid hipster in the building next fuckin door.

And you holler loud as a muthafucker that your roommate has weed for sale? Don’t act so fuckin shocked when the cops do the bum’s rush on your door and bust both your stupid asses.

Which is what happened when this cat did just that and was overheard by some plainclothes cops who just happened to be patrolling the fuckin grounds.

When the cops searched their dorm room they found weed, the shit to smoke it with, scales and a shitload of booze just all out in the open and shit. Whatever happened to being all cool and stealthy with your shit?

Back in the day the only cat that hollered out of windows and shit was the neighborhood retard who wore the football helmet everywhere he went. And even he knew that if he had shit for sale he had to be cool about it.

Shit, he’d stutter and drool all day long until it came time to sell that dime. Then he’d flip and get all Pinky the Brain and shit on a muthafucker until the transaction was done.

According to my many inside sources, both Bevis and Butthead were arraigned in District Court on Tuesday on charges of possession of a class D substance with intent to distribute in a school zone, possession of alcohol by a minor, and conspiracy to violate the state's drug laws.

The intent to distribute charge carries a maximum of two years in jail. Plus the fuckin university kicked both of em out of school.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

:o face

2007-09-06T09:44:00.000-05:00

So last night per my usual habit, I’m sitting on the couch in my underwear watching “Ghost Hunters” on the Sci-Fi channel.

I just find this show so fuckin fascinating simply due to the fact that they willingly go looking for ghosts and shit.

I usually watch in the dark with the only illumination being the screen of my computer across the room from me. I sit there in my dimly lit apartment going, “ok that was scary” “you might not want to go into the basement cause it looks scary” “oooh, that was a scary sound” “man that looks like some scary shit”.

I think you get my drift; so anyway I’d just gotten off the phone with Michelle when suddenly from out of nowhere I hear clear as day the sound of a phone ringing.

Not a normal ring mind you, but kind’a all ethereal and shit.

Then that sound is followed by a woman’s voice!

In a split second it goes from me sitting there all calm as a muthafucker enjoying the TV to me turtleing out the back of my underwear and scrambling to my feet making that face no black man ever wants to make.

You know the one right? Where my mouth is wide open in the shape of an O and my eyes are bugging out?

Yeah that’s the face.

That’s when I realized that I had neglected to hang up my stupid speaker phone after talking to Michelle and it was doing that thing that phones do when you leave em off the hook. Silly me.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

down in front

2007-09-05T08:16:00.001-05:00

Well it looks like somebody’s kid got told to shit the fuck up because they had their head up their ass.

I’m talking about this big fancy hoo-doo that went down this past weekend in Miami for Black Enterprise magazine.

According to my many inside sources, funnyman Eddie Griffin was hired as part of the entertainment. And when it came his turn to do his thing on stage Friday night, he started dropping the N-word like it was fuckin going out of style.

Now at this big fancy hoo-doo was a literal who’s-who of black crème de la crust types among others who weren’t digging Eddie’s shit one bit.

Everything came to a head when Eddie asked the crowd. “Why are our Black leaders telling us to stop using the N-word?”

That’s when his mike went dead and Earl Graves, the publisher of Black Enterprise magazine and the one who hired Eddie’s signifying ass, stepped up on stage.

"We will not allow our culture to go backwards. We will pay Mr. Griffin all that we owe him but we will not allow him to finish the show if that's the way he's going to talk."

And ole Eddie got told to unass the stage.

I’d like to think that Earl got all old school on Eddie and whispered in his ear that he was gonna fuck Eddie’s shit up if he didn’t step off, but of course that probably never happened. Right?

And to be fair this was Eddie Griffin after all, who’s known for his excessive use of the N-word in his routine.
It’s like what I always tell people. “Don’t let the fuckin dog out of the yard if you know he’s gonna bite”.

t doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Eddie ain’t right and that he’s not gonna behave. So even though Eddie Griffin’s a local boy from Kansas City, I have to say he did shit the bed on this one.

Plus if the truth be known I stopped digging Eddie ever since he came out with that stupid, stupid sitcom “Malcolm & Eddie” that was based in Kansas City. I still think someone owes me TV money from that fuckup.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

fuck me running

2007-09-04T18:37:00.001-05:00

I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Without the courtesy of a reach-around or hug, stress is fucking me something fierce.

“Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville—mighty Casey has struck out”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-31T09:10:00.001-05:00

If you’re like me I know you’re sick and tired as a muthafucker of hearing about all the pissing contests between various religions, countries and cultures.

I’m offended by this, I’m offended by that, your hangnail offends my people. It’s no secret that there’s a lot of touchy muthafuckers out there.

And it doesn’t seem to matter what the fuck it is, whither it be the shape of your eyes or the hue of your skin to what hand you wipe your ass with. Someone somewhere is gonna get offended by it.

Well, here’s a cultural offence that I think we can all get behind. Check this out.

Now it’s no big secret that shit ain’t all warm sweaty hugs and wet kisses between China and Japan which is mostly due to Japan’s invasion and occupation of China in the first half of the 20th Century. And now lately due to China’s pesky little habit of firing missiles into the Sea of Japan.

But now China’s well known Shaolin Temple, the very same Shaolin Temple that became famous as the training ground for Kwai Chang ”Grasshopper” Caine in the 1970s “Kung Fu” TV series has been offended.

What happened was that on the internet someone said that back in the day a bunch of Shaolin Monks got their collective asses kicked by a visiting Japanese Ninja.

And now China’s fuckin Shaolin Temple, which is the fuckin cradle of Chinese kung fu, is calling bullshit and demanding an apology from whomever the fuck said that.

And I quote; “the so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologize to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did”.

According to my many inside sources, the Internet user, who calls themselves “Five Minutes Every Day,” said on an online forum last week that a Japanese ninja came to the Shaolin Temple looking for a fight and ended up kicking the no hair having crap out of a bunch of Shaolin Monks.

And this simple statement has pissed off not only the Shaolin Temple but most of stinkin China it’s self.

Especially since the internet goes on to say that due to the fact that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain. Or better yet a bunch of gay pussies.

This is like the famous argument who could kick whose ass, Jet Li or Jackie Chan. Personally I think that Jet Li would go all prison rape on ole Jackie, but that’s just one man’s opinion.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm not gay! I just happen to like the taste.........

2007-08-30T08:13:00.001-05:00

Quote of the week;

If a man builds a thousand bridges and sucks one dick, they don't call him a bridge-builder... they call him a cocksucker

I think folks are being too harsh on Senator Larry “I’m not gay” Craig.

Just because you happen to like the taste of cock betwixt your cheek and gums, that doesn’t make you gay right?

And who hasn’t taken a “wide stance” whilst taking a shit in an airport or bus station restroom or your local truckstop?

And who among us hasn’t had a song stuck in their heads and found themselves tapping to the beat whilst taking such a “wide stance” in a public restroom?

Give the muthafucker a break why don’t you? It’s like what Joey Bananas used to say back in the day. “You’re only gay if you’re on the bottom”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

what do you mean, wrong T-Rex?

2007-08-29T11:30:00.001-05:00

I’ve been hearing all these headlines making some kind of big ass deal about how those old dinosaurs T-Rex could outrun most modern day athletes including famous soccer player David Beckham.

You know I’m no kind of fuckin expert and shit but it must suck to be you when you can’t even outrun some old seventies stoner glam-rock band. I’m just saying and shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives.....road trip

2007-08-29T08:57:00.001-05:00

This is a step-off from what I usually write about, but my head got to wondering and my Grandfather came to mind. He always dug me for what I was all about and I think he’d dig reading this site.

Grandfather was a Baptist Preacher all his adult life. He wasn’t your fire and brimstone type of preacher, but he sure enough got old school about it.

He came from the Lone Star state by way of Louisiana and he preached all over West Texas in his day and was well received and respected. Back then he preached on what was called the circuit.

He’d hit a different town every Sunday or so, cause back then a lot of the smaller towns didn’t have a regular everyday man of the cloth. So they had to rely on the circuit preacher to make do.

He’d hit town, save the sinners and spread the word of God, then in the evenings the old church women would cook him Sunday dinner.

Odd thing, in that part of the world lunch was called dinner and dinner was called supper and the trunk of a car was called the turtle.

Anyway a few years ago I was working for the Man in the Missouri Boothill country and I walked into this roadside store to grab a pack of smokes.

The old man behind the counter kept staring at the federal Id that hung around my neck.

“Beck, huh? I used to travel with a preacher named Beck years ago in West Texas”. We got to talking and he told me he used to be a circuit judge years way back in the day and on accession he’d hook up and travel with a preacher named Beck. Talk about your small world. How cool was that?

As well as I can remember my Grandfather moved to the big city in the early seventies and lived here until he passed some years ago.

I think one of the best things I’ve ever done had to do with him.

Sometime before he passed he took to missing his old stomping grounds back in Texas and the family hatched a plan where he could revisit all the places where he used to preach. Think of it as the Old Preacher Reunion Tour and yours truly was picked to be the bus driver.

Here’s the picture. My grandfather, grandmother, and my mother plus myself stuffed into a reconditioned, souped up, full blown ex-highway patrol car. That was all me and my father drove back then, sorry.

My Grandfather was so pumped for this trip. We blew into West Texas like the mob and I’d drop them at whatever church he was visiting and he would always say; “well, grandson, I gonna see to my brethren. What about you?”

My mother always hated this but he dug it so I’d say; “well, we passed my brethren a few miles back. You remember that sign I showed you that said “Cold Cocktail & Nude Dancers”? I’m gonna go in there and spread the faith”.

He would then slide me a five spot and tell me it was for the offering plate. I don’t think that he knew that a couple of times I wasn’t kidding.

The road trip lasted only a few days but he really enjoyed it. He got to see old friends and places, plus spread the Word one more time and I got to do a good deed that I’ll never surpass.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

or never having to sleep on the wet spot

2007-08-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

Some people’s kids are just too fucked up for words.

Back in July up in Philly this cat got his stupid retard ass busted after he broke into a local funeral home.

What happened was that the cat that runs the funeral home had stepped out to chat up some friends across the street when he noticed lights on in the funeral home where they shouldn’t be.

So back inside he went to scope shit out and that’s when he found this muthafucker trying to be all stealthy and shit hiding next to this coffin. The funeral director jumped his ass and held him down till the police arrived.

That’s when they noticed that the coffin he was hiding behind belonged to this dead chick the funeral director was prepping for service.

According to my many inside sources, this chick was lying on the table with one leg stuck up in the air and her pantyhose all ripped off and shit.

But luckily everybody thinks that the sick bastard got busted before he was able to rub one out on the dead chick or fuck her.

And get this. After checking, the police found out that not only did this cat have a record going back some years, but he was busted in 1999 for doing the same sick shit.

After relaying all this I couldn’t help but be reminded of this old joke my sister used to tell me.

“You know what necrophilia means? Never having to say you’re sorry”.

Drum roll please.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

The Doo Dads

2007-08-27T12:59:00.001-05:00

Last week was a muthafuckin bitch so when Friday rolled around I was more then ready to go kill a few brain cells after work.

I had my mind all set on rude company, good food, cheap cigarettes and a bottomless Beam & Coke. So I headed to the Record Bar to satisfy a few of those carnal urges when my shit got slid to a screeching halt.

That was because as soon as I hit the door I was informed that the Doo Dads were playing an early show. And you know what it means when the Doo Dads play?

Well for starters it means that there’s no fuckin smoking during the duration of their show. Secondly, it means that there’s a special menu during the fuckin duration of their show. Thirdly it means that if I’m gonna stick around for the Doo Dads, it goes without saying that I have to be on my best behavior.

By now you must be asking why all the fuss for the Doo Dads and who are these muthafuckers? Well here’s the deal. The Doo Dads are a rock band and they play rock, but they play rock for a very special audience.

They play rock & roll for kids, and by kids I mean the little tiny Barney hugging variety. I’m just saying that if there was a kid in the joint old enough to be out of their Princess or Superman Huggies, I’d be surprised.

Now normally I’d be the first muthafucker to hit the door but I found myself strangely drawn to sticking around just to see what kind of shit the Doo Dads were putting down.

And oddly I found myself digging the Doo Dads vibe.

From what I was told, the Doo Dads are made up of cats from local rock bands that just happened to have kids, who wanted to play shit that their little crumb snatchers could enjoy. So thus the Doo Dads were born.

And I think it’s a great idea if you were to ask me.

First off there had to be at least a hundred little kids there with their parents, all rocking out to the Doo Dads, whilst knocking back the Mac & cheese and hot dogs.

There’s nothing that warms the cockles of my heart more then watching some old bar dog pay for his past vices by getting swarmed by his trio of grape juice amped little girls. And all he can do is sit there and smile while being climbed over and under.

Fuck, even I felt a bit of a paternal twinge and couldn’t help but feel the urge to run outside and knock someone up.

But of course I was scared to move since there was a literal sea of three-foot high people in front of me.

And let me tell you what, when you have over a hundred mothers and their little kids dancing and swinging and doing their own thing, even looking at em wrong will get you the stink-eye.

But I did enjoy myself especially when the Doo Dads broke into the “Let’s Potty” song and "Balls".

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

moonwalking whales

2007-08-27T08:36:00.001-05:00

After a busy week of hugging trees, what better way for you and your friends to unwind then to hop aboard a boat to observe the mighty whale in their natural habitat.

You’re smelling the salty sea air and the mist from the waves are creating rainbows as you and all the other passengers start exclaiming and pointing as a whale rises to the surface spraying water from its blowhole.

You’re as giddy and excited as a little schoolgirl as you and all the other passengers watch the huge whales frolic hither and yon in the great ocean expanse. Leaning against the ship’s railing is a little girl who is heard to exclaim, “look mommy, the whale’s moon walking”.

You look up in time to see one of the whales swimming backwards thru the water. “The fuck?”

By now the railing is crowded with people who are screaming and shouting at this larger ship that has appeared just a few hundred yards away.

The reason the whale seems to be swimming backwards is because the larger vessel is a Japanese whaler that has just harpooned it and is dragging that muthafucker in. All this happened Friday morning off the coast of Hokkaido's Shiretoko Peninsula in Japan.

From what my many inside sources tell me, there were at least three whale-watching boats full of “eco-tourists” who were out for a morning of whale watching. That is until a whaler showed up and started harpooning whales like they were going out of style.

From what I can gather, muthafuckers were crying and screaming and just losing their minds as the whaler did its thing hauling in the whale.

The forty-six-year-old captain of one of the passenger vessels was disappointed by the incident. "It's my job to show people whales and it's the whalers' job to catch them, but I wonder how this can be avoided.”

Well sunshine, it can be avoided by somebody learning how to schedule their shit so that whale-watchers and whale hunters aren’t in the same area together.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-24T09:12:00.001-05:00

Growing up back in the day, my father had a saying that he usually punctuated with his finger punching a hole in my forehead.

“Assumption is the king of all muthafuckers”

Meaning that you should never take anything for granted because the minute you do, it’s gonna fuck you in the ass. Yeah, fuck you in the ass without the courtesy of a reach-around.

So with that being said here’s a couple of stories about folks who methinks assumed too much and thus learned a valuable lesson.

Some Boris living in Moscow had divorced his wife but for three years due to the stupidly high rent, they were both forced to share a small apartment together.

I don’t know if it was because of the enforced co-habitation or because someone just had enough of somebody’s shit, but things came to a boil.

As the ex-husband sat on the couch buck assed nekked, fluffing the short hairs whilst drinking vodka and watching TV one night, the ex-wife walked up and asked for a swig off the bottle.

But instead of taking a drink she poured the potent vodka on his exposed Cossack and the twins and set that muthafucker on fire and Boris’s shit went up like a fuckin blowtorch.

Kind of takes the lyrics, “come on baby, light my fire” to a new level huh?

Later in the hospital the burnt the fuck up stupid ex-husband told local news that it was monstrously painful. “I was burning like a torch”.

Yeah and when asked if he would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said with a straight face, that it was difficult to predict.

And in Arizona about a month ago this cat filed for divorce from his wife. And Tuesday he had her meet him at the house they both owned because it was being appraised for sale.

After the appraiser left the husband pulled out the divorce papers for his wife to sign.

She started crying and shit so the husband gave her a hug to comfort her and one thing led to another and before you know it, they were having a pity fuck on the kitchen floor.

According to my many inside sources, she was riding this muthafucker like an eight-second bull, when she reached over to her bag and after pulling a knife, stabbed ole hornboy in his chest.

In just a matter of seconds, he goes from sticking his ex with the big six-incher to getting six inches stuck in his chest.

The chick then pulled the knife from his chest and told him that she was sorry.

He ends up running his stupid nekked stabbed ass over to the neighbors where the police got called. The ex-wife was found later just a few miles from where the stabbing happened and is now facing assault charges.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past.............missing Cat

2007-08-23T08:03:00.000-05:00

I’m sad; I think I miss my cat. Oh and yeah, Cat was what I named him.

Whenever I hear the Counting Crows song “Long December” I can’t help thinking of all the good times me and Cat had together.

We had the strangest relationship I think. We were together over twelve years you know. When I first got Cat he was so small that he used to sleep in my hand at night.

As he was growing up one of our favorite games was called “slide the kitty”.

That’s when I’d grab him and roll em into a ball and slide his ass clear to the other end of the apartment like a hockey puck.

It was so funny, he’d bounce into the far wall and come running back to me and we’d do it all over again.

Then there was the day I saved Cat's life.

I woke up one summer morning and felt this trashing around at the end of the bed. Cat had bitten into the air-conditioner power cord just hard enough to get a shock. I actually had to kick him loose. He never was right after that.

After six months or so I took him to the vet to get denutted. Poor muthafucker, the car trip terrified his ass something bad. And when I got him home till the day he left me Cat never let me out of his sight.

Even after I started locking him out of my bedroom at night I could see his paws sticking out from under the bedroom door. But I had to start locking him out; ever since I got him fixed he wouldn’t stop staring at me.

And since I sleep butt nekked I didn’t want him seeking revenge on my ball-sac whilst I slept at night. He’d do it too you know.

But we loved sitting on the couch watching TV.

I’d yak at him and he’d just lie there content as all hell. You knew I had it bad when before I’d go out I’d spend at least fifteen minutes picking out something on the TV for Cat to watch while I was gone.

We even made the weird section of the newspaper one year. This reporter found out about this trick we had. It was so weird that I had to show to the guy before he would believe it.

Back then I was out of town a lot for the Man and what I’d do was to call my phone from any phone I was at. I’d get my answering machine and I’d leave a message for Cat.

As soon as I hung up my government phone it’ll start ringing and I’d pick it up. On the other end would be Cat meowing his ass off. The best that we could figure what happened was this.

Whenever I’d call my machine Cat would freak as soon as he heard my voice and go jumping all over it.

For some reason on that particular machine if you hit the speaker button it would somehow call back the last number it received.

Thus I would get a call from Cat sayin “hey muthafucker, come home”! Hey, it got us in the fuckin paper.

Cat’s been gone for what, seven or eight years? I want another cat but I’m not sure if I want to go thru that heartache all over again.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Bush lands in Kansas City

2007-08-22T14:16:00.001-05:00

Did anyone else notice how just plain odd this muthafucker is?

When Bush’s plane landed in Kansas City last night for his speech today in front of the VFW convention, every local news service had cameras waiting.

I thought for sure he was gonna pull a Gerald Ford and fall cause he actually galloped down the stairs of Air Force One. What the fuck was up with that?

I don’t want to see our president galloping down stairs; I want to see him walk down like the fuckin leader that he is. Not looking like some Elmer Fudd muthafucker.

Watching him interact with people was just odd.

At one point I think he actually slapped five with this one chick. It was like he was trying to show how down to earth and homey he was and shit and all he came off looking like was some goofy little bastard.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

The love story of Ralph and Edna

2007-08-22T07:33:00.000-05:00

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Animal hijinks

2007-08-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

Just want to relate a couple of stories in the mainstream news that caught my attention this morning.

The first one comes from Belgrade over in Serbia where they had their annual beer festival. Every year the Belgrade Beer Festival takes place at the foot of the city's Kalemegdan fortress.

From what I hear, you can drink assloads of beer for stupidly low prices and I guess it’s just one big ass drunken party.

Well, according to my many inside sources, some unlucky Serb got himself eaten the fuck up by a bear during the beer festival.

From what I understand and if you live in Belgrade please feel free to correct me. The Belgrade Zoo isn’t too far from where they were having the big beer fest?

And it seems that this cat got so fucked up at the beer fest that he ended up the city zoo and crawled his ass into same cage where a couple of grown assed bears were hanging out. Yeah and odd as it sounds, not only was the cat found half eaten and shit, but he was also buck assed nekked.

Now I don’t know about the bears over in Serbia, but I’m pretty damn sure that the bears around here aren’t in the habit of undressing a muthafucker before they eat his ass.

And I do believe that you might have hit your shit-face limit when you start thinking that you’re fuckin Thongor of the fuckin wild and go looking for bears to wrestle nekked and shit.

Also according to my many inside sources, the local police are looking for witness since besides one half-eaten Serb and his clothes, they found several cell-phones and beer cans and other shit in the cage.

Looks like when party boy crawled his drunk ass into the cage and got nekked, some of his friends tried to break up snack time.

And in a related note, from over in Australia it seems that a woman in her sixties was killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

She got the camel as a gift and it hung out on her family’s ranch where they raised sheep and cattle amongst other shit.

The camel which shall go unnamed since it’s still a minor weighed almost four-hundred pounds even though it was only ten months old.

According to all that knew her, she considered the camel a pet and treated it as such.

Well this past Saturday the woman was hanging out with her pet camel when it laired it up, knocking her to the ground and for lack of a better term, “humped her to death”.

According to the local police, after knocking her to the ground the camel laid on top of the woman and proceeded to hump the poor woman like he had his wobbly boot on.

Or as one witness described it, the camel after jumping on back started having a naughty and began plowing that ass like he had John Deer stamped on his back. Hmmm, better then being eaten by a bear I suppose.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-17T08:41:00.000-05:00

You might remember how just recently a playground in Huston caught fire and burnt the fuck up?

Another playground set on fire and burning so what’s the big deal right?

Well what makes this fire so remarkable is that it was the result of spontaneous combustion. See the playground was covered with a thick layer of wood chips laid down so as to cushion the bed-wetters if they fell off the jungle Jims or slides and shit.

Now that area had some heavy rains which soaked the wood chips which in the stifling summer heat began to decompose. Which as you all know from working out in the yard, turned the playground into your basic big stinking internal heat generating compost pile.

So much internal heat from the decomposing wood was generated that after enough time the muthafucker just lit the fuck up.

As a matter of fact that particular playground had a security camera on it so the whole shitting thing was documented.

Good thing there wasn’t any kids playing on that muthafucker when it decided to fire it up because there would’a been lawsuits for days.

Which brings me to this thought. Couldn’t you imagine all the conversations and deep thinking in the trailer parks this caused?

“Honey, did you see that here report on the TV about that playground up yonder catching afire?

“Sure did sugar. Hey have I said how hot you look in that red, white, & blue spangled tube top I got you at Wal-Mart?”

“Why thank you honey, and these pink spandex shorts shore seem to compliment it”.

For the next few minutes all you hear is the sound of PBR’s being popped open.

“Hey you kids, why don’t y’all all go down to the playground and find something to do?

Hey little Mordechai Jr? Why don’t you take mama’s Marlboros and matches along with you?”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

ha ha

2007-08-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

With the exception of a few variations I take the same path to and from work every day. So I’m fully aware that on the ride home if I go down Ward Parkway, sure as shit there’s gonna be a speed trap or two.

So as a result of this knowledge I’ll keep it within a few miles of the speed limit. But I’m usually the exception since I’m always getting passed. As a rule I have a habit of scanning the road two to three blocks ahead.

I’m doing this yesterday just as this asshole muthafucker in a new mustang blew around me. Just as he whipped around me I saw the faint figure of someone standing by the road a couple of blocks ahead.

I’m thinking, “get that muthafucker, get that muthafucker”.

And sure as shit the faint figure turned out to be a cop standing on the side of the road with a radar gun. The new mustang got pulled the fuck over.

Its times like this that I wish my car had a built in laugh track and a loud speaker.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Michael Vick, sued!

2007-08-15T08:12:00.001-05:00

I ain’t no fuckin expert but when muthafuckers in prison start fuckin with you, you just might as well give in to the fact that you’re some kind of special asshole.

As in the case of Michael Vick who’s being sued to the tune of sixty-three billion dollars.

Now I’m not going to get into all the details on Vick since if you’re smart enough to be on the internet, you’re more then likely aware of all the bullshit he’s gotten himself into.

Not only has he turned into one of the most hated men in America and is facing an ass load of federal charges. And not counting that his boys rolled over on him faster then a crackhead at a free buffet, but now he’s being sued.

According to my many inside sources, some inmate at the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina has filed a hand written lawsuit against Michael Vick for sixty-three billion dollars.

The lawsuit states that Michael Vick stole two mixed breed pit bulls from this cat and after damaging the RFID chips in the dog collars then turned around and sold em on EBay.

Along with stealing the dogs, his other claims are as follows.

• Used the proceeds from the sale of the two dogs to purchase ground to air missiles from the Iran government.

• Vick also stole his identity and used it to open accounts at Petsmart and Doggie Warehouse to buy food for Vick’s illegal dog fighting operation.

• Broke numerous copy write laws pertaining to the name Jonathan Lee Riches especially by stealing the name “Mr. Bitches” and putting it on mugs and hats.
(Jonathan Lee Riches is the cat putting out the lawsuit)

• Michael Vick has pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda.

• Michael Vick subjected me to microwave testing.

• Michael Vick has used drugs in school zones.

• Michael Vick has more then likely fondled young boys.

Jonathan Lee Riches wants the sixty-three billion dollars “backed by gold and silver “ delivered to the front gates of the prison along with the promise that Michael Vick will stop hurting his feelings and dashing his hopes.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Mr. Giggles kicks ass

2007-08-14T17:52:00.000-05:00

Who knew that there’s such a thing as Coulrophobia, which is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. I found this clip on you-tube and it’s a tad long but watching the chick freak out over clowns is interesting if just fuckin odd.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

fucked up toys

2007-08-13T13:14:00.000-05:00

I think that American CEO’s are missing the boat.

When they fuck up and the companies they lord over go down in flames they usually walk away with fat bonuses. Or at the worse they get some jail time in a light duty federal pen even though they fucked over thousands of people.

What I’m saying is that they get off real fuckin easy if you gave a shit enough to ask me.

But if you’re a CEO type over in Asia and you fuck up, it’s more then likely that you end up shot or you kill yourself.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Flash Gordon

2007-08-13T09:12:00.001-05:00

I’m fuckin old enough to understand that life is full of disappointments and that you have to learn to live with them.

It’s like the old song, “you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, and sure enough, shit will let you down”.

Last night I tuned into the Sci-Fi channel to watch the new Flash Gordon and just like those famous last words, “I won’t cum in your face”, I met head on with severe disappointment.

The old Flash Gordon was campy, stupid and a hoot to watch. Fuck, even the porn version featuring Candy Samples called Flesh Gordon was more entertaining than what the Sci-Fi channel put out.

The new Flash Gordon is some of the gayest shit I’ve ever seen.

Watching it did nothing but make me angry and wonder did these muthafuckers even watch the old movies or series.

Where’s the kickass music by Queen? Why isn’t Flash in costume? What’s up with this muthafucker being set in present day? Why do the Hawkmen look like such fey pussies?

The shit was so bad that at any minute I expected Dean Cain or Coolio to show up.

I’m just fucked up with the dumbass of it all.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

must be a Chris Martin thing

2007-08-10T12:20:00.001-05:00

You remember the part in the movie “The Jerk” where Steve Martin’s working at the EZ Serve and the sniper up on the hill starts shooting at him but instead of capping Steve Martin, he keeps hitting the oil cans instead?

And Steve Martin’s kind of slow on the take so he’s running around screaming, “He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans”? Well this next story kind’a reminds me of this scene.

Up in Seattle the other night it was karaoke time at the local watering hole. And from what my many inside sources tell me, some cat climbed up on stage and started singing along to the Coldplay song “Yellow”

He’d just gotten into the first few bars of the song when some chick sitting at the bar exclaimed “"Oh, hell no, not that fuckin song. I can't fuckin stand that song!"

And with that she bum rushes the stage and starts going off on the cat screaming about how much she fuckin hates Coldplay and how much his singing sucked ass.

The cat kept on singing so the chick doubled up on his ass and the next thing you know she’s punching the cock taste out of his mouth.

Let me just say that it took four men to drag this woman who my many inside sources describe as a "dirty little hippy chick" outside. According to all involved the chick only had a single shot of Yeager while at the bar.

Now once outside where I guess she had some elbow room, the damned dirty little hippy chick ramped up her shit and started punching every swinging six that came within reach.

By now the cops had been called and when she saw the boys in blue she went even more bat shit ballistic.

The cops are trying their damndest to put the cuffs on her which is harder then a muthafucker cause even though they had her on the ground she’s doing her goddamndest to head butt everyone in the fuckin balls and shit.

After shit was all said and done a couple of people ended up in the ER for various cuts and bruises including one of the cops and the little hippy chick who is also facing assault charges.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-10T08:38:00.001-05:00

It’s early in the morning and I can’t think of a single thing to write about so I’m just gonna meander here a bit. Ooh, how bout a short list of things? That’s always fun for a time killer.

Let’s start with things that have for lack of a better term, fucked me up.

• Sitting on the bow of a sixteen foot fishing boat as it blasted thru the Gulf of Mexico in rough seas piloted by some cat named Captain Charley.

• Carrying a full size refrigerator up two flights of stairs by myself and halfway up realizing that this had to rank as one of my more stupider ideas. Yeah, that wrinkled spot on the stairs isn’t the wood grain; it’s one of my balls.

• Wearing pantyhose, and only because I enjoyed it so much. I had a female friend who was going thru a severe funk and I had to think of something to snap her out of it.

So I walked into her house wearing pink pantyhose which seemed to do the trick. But oddly enough I found myself reluctant to take em off so I kept them on until late that evening. Both snug and slimming at the same time.

• Stepping out of a car in the middle of Fayetteville, Arkansas for the first time. It was the middle of summer and I actually fell to my fuckin knees due to the very unique odor in the air.

This old man that happened to be walking past commented on my condition. “It’s the paper processing plant on the edge of town, stick around a few years and you’ll get used to it.” I’m just saying that the smell actually made me fear for my life, it was so fuckin bad.

• Playing drums in a bar one night and having to stop because I had a moment. We’re playing the blues and suddenly I was overcome by this feeling of happiness that I’ve never felt before.

I started giggling and that turned into full blown laughter and next thing I knew tears were rolling down my face. I think for that one moment I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life and it just all came out.

• Finding myself standing one day in front of a very important person who had the power to affect my life. He told me what he thought of me and how things would be and that I better learn to like the idea of being his bitch if I ever wanted to make it.

I stood there with my head down thinking things over only to raise my head, look him in the eye and go “fuck you” as I walked away. Eh, it could’ve gone better.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

things not to do in Wichita when you're dead

2007-08-09T08:28:00.001-05:00

As any self-help professional will tell you, the first step to solving your problem is first understanding that you have a problem.

And as a self professed frequent masturbator I can understand how the act of self pleasuring yourself can be a problem.

First off let me make it crystal clear that the act of rubbing one out is not the issue here. The issue isn’t doing the act but where one chooses to masturbate.

I don’t care if you use your shop-vac, the pets; your roommate’s underwear or the power of Grayskull; you can’t go rubbing one out in public.

You know how muthafuckers get if they catch you peeing in public so you know they’re gonna freak the fuck out if they catch you masturbating in public.

Take for example this cat in Wichita, Kansas who got busted knocking one off at the main library. Customers were complaining to the head librarian about this cat over behind some shelves making all kinds of noise and shit.

So the librarian scoped it out and found the cat beating it off like there was no tomorrow. She fronted the muthafucker and that’s when he became unglued and started getting all loud and shit.

Which to tell you the truth, I kind of sympathize with. I’m just saying that if I was maybe sitting in my car maybe watching cheerleading practice and maybe someone busted me rubbing one out, I might be a tad upset.

Not…that…I….would….ever….do….that…hypothetically speaking and shit. “Cough, cough…..

But anyway, here’s this cat screaming at everyone with his cock all wagging around and shit when suddenly he pulled a knife and acted like he was gonna stab the librarian.

That’s when a security guard came out of no where and gleefully started tasering his ass back to the third world.

According to my many inside sources, it was not a pretty site.

A fifty-eight year old man flopping around on the floor like a slapped three-year old, pissing himself and all that just isn’t a pretty sight. And simply because he couldn’t wait till he got home to beat one out.

Just let this be a lesson to all of you. Don’t beat your meat in public because it’ll be your luck to get tasered in the balls and then what will you do? I’m just saying and shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

eHarmony ate my balls

2007-08-07T18:41:00.000-05:00

Does eHarmony.com bug anyone else as much as it does me?

Around these parts the eHarmony commercial is played all the time and the more I watch it, the more something about it nags at me.

Outwardly everything looks pretty kosher, meaning that all the couples look happy and the founder comes across like he really wants to help muthafuckers get together.

You got Black couples, Asian couples, chubby couples, white couples and even couples that share facial similarities like the big nosed couple. But that’s it, you see no mixed couples or gay couples or tattooed people or freaks. Hell, don’t freaks need love too?

I couldn’t shake the feeling that eHarmony was all too Stepford Wives and shit.

Then my shit was farther reinforced by some of the other dating commercials that featured muthafuckers that were rejected by eHarmony.

Like the skinny nerd Black guy and the chick that looked like she just fell off someone’s pussy.

As a matter of fact some people have even taken eHarmony to task over their fascist bullshit including some gay folk who tried to do a class action lawsuit against these muthafuckers.

Here’s what eHarmony said in answer to the gay’s calling bullshit on em.

"It is false to state that eHarmony discriminates against gays or lesbians and making such allegations is reckless.

The research that eHarmony has developed, through years of research, to match couples has been based on traits and personality patterns of successful heterosexual marriages.

Nothing precludes eHarmony from providing same-sex matching in the future it's just not a service we offer now based upon the research we have conducted."

I ain’t saying shit but if that isn’t a contradictory statement, I don’t know what the fuck is.

Oh and if eHarmony is a “Christian” network for so-called “Christian” couples, then advertise the muthafucker as such. Which is still bullshit since the last time I fuckin checked being a “Christian” doesn’t mean that you can’t be gay, or brown, or mixed, or Hispanic, or tattooed, or pierced, or deformed or lesbian, or anything other then these alike muthafuckers that eHarmony delights in prancing in front of the fuckin TV.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

it's true, no one's pretty when they're drunk

2007-08-07T09:59:00.000-05:00

You have to admire the balls of a chick who after just a few days on the job gets drunk and tells her boss to fuck off.

Even more so if she’s a fuckin flight attendant.

Apparently this chick worked on a Delta flight that was getting ready to depart Lexington, Kentucky to Atlanta when the pilot and others noticed this bitch stumbling around and shit.

According to my many inside sources, the pilot told her to slow her roll and that’s when he realized that she was drunk. After putting the screws to her, she admitted to being drink after knocking back some Jack Daniels in the onboard restroom.

So the pilot makes a few calls and before you can say “would you like a cold coke with those peanuts?” The drunken flight attendant finds herself being escorted off the fuckin plane.

And of course being drunk she figures this is the perfect time to show her ass.
She starts screaming at everyone in sight including the pilot who she keeps referring to as a dead man.

After getting this drunk bitch off his plane the pilot now realizes that because his flight is short handed, he has to cancel the flight.

So the passengers were offered other flights and surprisingly some of the passengers just said fuck it and decided to drive to Atlanta.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

voodoo parakeet

2007-08-06T11:14:00.000-05:00

Isn’t there an old saying that those who live in glass houses shouldn't’t throw stones?

Or how about this one, don’t shit in your own yard…….or is it don’t shit the bed?

Anyway I’m talking about this chick who narked out her husband to police because she thought he was gonna kill her.

See, he had told her about a plan he had schemed up to kill some chick he worked with and she thought that he wanted to kill her too since she was the only one who knew about his plans.

But after checking both their stories out, the police called bullshit on her but during their investigation they did come across a videotape that showed the couple abusing small animals.

You know, you hear about muthafuckers having sex with animals all the time and shit. I’m just saying that if muthafuckers aren’t fuckin the dog, their getting fucked by the dog or horse or steer, it just gets old after a while.

But these muthafuckers were special. Their shit involved no less then one frog, two chameleons and a fuckin parakeet.

Yeah, according to my many inside sources, these two freaks started in to she-banging each other while taped or pinned to the wall hung the frog, chameleons and parakeet and shit.

They were fuckin the crap out of each other while sticking pens into the animals along with voodoo dolls made from corn husks and the blood of the little animals.

This is like that Lisa Bonet shit from the Crosby Show in that movie she did back in the day called Angel Heart.

You remember that one part where she’s getting the ass fucked out of her by Mickey O’Rourke on top of this stump I think. And suddenly you look up because it’s gotten all voodoo like because both of these muthafuckers are covered with chicken blood and it’s all dripping from the ceilings and walls and shit?

And even though he’s covered in chicken blood and Lisa Bonets giving him the evil eye and screaming like some possessed banshee, Mickey O’Rourke won’t stop fuckin cause the shit’s just that good? I’m just saying.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

black snake moan

2007-08-05T11:11:00.001-05:00

I’m lying on the couch last night watching “Black Snake Moan” with a very old friend of mine.

She had come by for a visit and I thought it’d be a good chance to see the entire movie. And I’m glad I did because it’s a movie worth watching even though I doubt some of you will get it.

But if you look beyond the nudity and the chains and all the upfront shit, you’ll see a movie about lost people not only finding each other but themselves. Which in it’s self is always a cool thing.

The coolest part of the movie came when my friend looked at me and mentioned how certain scenes in the movie seemed so familiar to her. I looked at her deep in thought, and said; “I don’t remember ever chaining you up to anything?” “No not that part, the saving me part”.

That made us enjoy the movie that much more since portions of it seemed to parallel our relationship. Sometimes doing what’s right bonds us for life.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

nominate me and I'll set you free

2007-08-03T13:05:00.000-05:00

Hey, my many inside sources just told me that it’s time for the
“2007 Black Weblog Awards”.

So since I can’t vote for myself, not that I’m saying that I would……… But you can go to the link and nominate me in the below categorys if you like.

Hell if I win we’ll all go out for ice cream and shit. Who knows, I might even upset a muthafucker or two.

BLACK BLOGGER ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
This category is for bloggers that have been blogging visibly since January 1, 2003.
been blogging on this site since 2002

BEST PERSONAL BLOG
This category is for blogs which feature the opinions of the author. Blogs do not have to adhere to a specific theme.
shit, do I fit this category or what?

BEST HUMOR BLOG
This category is for humor blogs or blogs which feature humorous content.
I can do humor

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-08-03T11:42:00.000-05:00

In honor of the "30th National Biker's Roundup", I offer a repost from Cousin Erma.

Hi everybody!

It’s me again, Cousin Erma logging on from Sturgis!

I guess we’ll all be heading back home early Saturday morning right after breakfast. I’ll be glad to get back home to Matador cause I’m here to tell you what?

Biker’s? They be nasty, like last night I was told I was gonna go on a train ride? Well, that weren’t no train, no sir, not at all.

All I can say is good thing I’m in shape from having to walk up to the prison every day to go to work.

Wooo, them boys tried their darnest to wear me out, but hell, and excuse my French, I do more then that on Saturday nights back home when daddy gets into the whiskey cabinet. Old bastard.

But at least they were all friendly and stuff, the way they all stood in line waiting they turn.

I did get a chance to go see Mount Rushmore, very impressive. Though on the ride back my weave fell out, I guess it got loosened from all the tussling that went on the night before.

I like riding on the back of a bike, except when the biker feller be stinking and all. I pays no mind to the wind or the bugs and riding on the back of one is just like sitting on a big ole vibrator.

Oops, excuse my French again, that wasn’t very lady like. But when you gots all that stank flowing back over you, it kind’a sours the butter if you know what I mean. Cause my eyes be watering and my nose gets all closed up and it just be hard breathing and stuff.

That’s why I like riding with the chapero biker’s from back home, cause they be smelling sweet and stuff. You know with them being cowboy sissies and all.

Except when we pull into truck stops to eat? Them pink Harley’s they ride tend to attract more attention then a Kansas city faggot at a rodeo.

But they’s some good ole boys, like Greg always say, happier then a retard with a snow cone, and prettier then a new cow.

And speaking of snow cones? You can keep that snowballin because that just ain’t right.

You never hear of anybody back home in Matador doing anything like that. Well, I gots to be going now, I done signed myself up for some mud wrestling cause we can use the gas money and all.

So ya’ll be good now and maybe when I come up to Kansas City for Christmas I’ll ask Greg to let me log on so as to say hi.

Bye now!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

black snake say what?

2007-08-03T08:14:00.001-05:00

I haven’t finished it yet, but after viewing half of “Black Snake Moan”

• I’m fully convinced that on my next vacation I’m renting a farmhouse out in the sticks.

• Get me some dirty overalls and a peck of religion plus an ole pickup.

• Find me a dirty half nekked white girl with the propensity to beast-fuck every swinging six in sight.

• And once I find her, I’m throwing a forty-pound chain around her ass and hooking the other end to my front porch.

• And then I’m gonna preach the blues and save her dirty little soiled soul.

Oh yeah, that’s gonna make for one cool vacation. But I guess I need to finish the movie first. Huh?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

By the power of Greyskull!

2007-08-02T14:05:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm, like anyone really gives a shit where my information comes from, but my many inside sources are going fuckin ecstatic.

They’re telling me that against the wishes of the Bush administration a congressional panel voted yesterday to shield journalists and most bloggers from having to reveal their confidential sources.

What they voted on is something called the “Free flow of information act”, and in the “FFOIA” it clearly states what a journalist is.

Trust me, this is gonna make sense.

And I quote, “the practice of journalism is defined as "gathering, preparing, collecting, photographing, recording, writing, editing, reporting or publishing of news or information that concerns local, national or international events or other matters of public interest for dissemination to the public."

So if I understand what my many inside sources are telling me. Any of us out there on the internet that write are protected by this bill if we advertise on our blogs.

Even if it’s from somebody like Google Ads or Blogads or Jimmy’s Meat shack.

Because most of us wither we write for shit or not, fit under the journalistic tag.

And per say we blog about something sensitive like hearing that our local congressman or mayor was caught with his diddle finger in the glory-hole.

No one could bust our chops over how we heard it. And we wouldn’t be forced to nark out or roll over on anybody.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

penance

2007-08-01T14:31:00.000-05:00

I was over visiting my mother before work this morning and she told me a great story that needs to be shared.

My mother lives just inside the entrance to Swope Park and just a block from the Kansas City Zoo.

Across the street from her house sits Starlight Theater and between her house and the Theater is this huge expanse of park ground. If you happen to go by on a Sunday, you can sit on her front porch and bide your time watching the local Black horse club ride their horses up and down the park.

Or if you tire of that you can catch any of the weekly shows at Starlight from the comfort of her front porch. Or once things quiet down you can listen to the lions and other animals at the zoo doing their thing.

It was a very cool place to be raised as a kid and an even cooler place to live.

So I’m leaning against the railing listening to my mother talk, when I noticed that the giant mowers were out in the park cutting the grass. That’s when she pointed out this narrow strip of cut grass that ran off in the distance for maybe a half mile or so.

She told me it was made by a single man and his push mower.

He shows up maybe once a week and commences to cutting a strip of grass the width of a regular lawnmower but nearly a mile long. And according to her, he does it while singing to the lord at the top of his lungs.

He doesn’t talk to anybody or bothers anyone; he just cuts his strip of park, whilst singing the gospel. And it brings forth the question.

What type of bad does a person do in life where he thinks god said go ye forth and cut the grass?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm so pretty, so so pretty

2007-08-01T12:17:00.001-05:00

Inspired by some of the local bloggers here in town I was going to make a serious attempt to write something deep, meaningful and profound.

But after sleepless hours lying in bed, mulling over the same question again and again; “why are my balls so wrinkled”? I came up with nothing.

So anyway after dealing with that all night any desire I had of writing something deep just ran the fuck out the window, which brings me to the story of the day.

Over in Tennessee, this cat got himself into what sounds like a heap of trouble due to his drinking.

Yeah, this cat who’s employed by a Christian radio station and who also make his dime as a local pastor of his own church found himself charged with indecent exposure as well as a DUI and violation of the open container law.

According to the police, this cat allegedly pulled up to some cops in his car and offered to give the men in blue free blowjobs all around when they showed up to check out a report of indecent exposure near this carwash.

The pastor who by all reports was drunk and wearing a very fashionable skirt then got out of his car, stepped over to a carwash bay and proceeded to piss all over the wall in clear view of some kids who happened to be in the area.

During all this he also admitted to the cops that he was drunk, and then proved it by failing all the sobriety tests.

The owner of the radio station along with his church are asking everyone to keep an open mind and withhold all judgment until all the facts of the story are laid out.

Sounds like to me that the facts are that someone got drunk and their freak flag got the fuck unfurled.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

mine comes with the kung-fu grip

2007-07-31T08:57:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading this interesting story about this woman in Florida by the name of Kimberly Norris, who was busted for bigamy.

In 1996 she was married to Mike, but whilst she was still married to Mike she married some cat named Norris in 1997. Now keep in mind that she didn’t divorce Mike until sometime in 2001.

So take 2 and minus the 1 and that leaves her with Norris until she hooked up with some cat named John who worked with her at the local Pizza Hut. She marries this muthafucker which means that at last count that makes 2 husbands.

But then she decided to go for the trifecta and was dating another cat that for lack of a name, we’ll call Jim since he was too embarrassed to give one.

Now there’s a lot of shit going on here that’s just peaking the fuck out of my curiosity.

For starters let’s talk about John from Pizza Hut. The cops are saying that within the span of one year this bitch had worked John for almost $160,000.

In the span of one year this muthafucker had rolled over to the tune of a 2006 Pontiac G6 sports car, a 2007 Chevrolet Suburban and a 2006 Suzuki Katana motorcycle. He also gave her $20,000 to $30,000 in cash and paid to have her tits done.

Now even taking into account being hugely pussy-whipped, how does a cat throwing pizzas for a living come up with this kind of money?

And now for the question we’ve all been waiting for. What kind of mad snapping pussy skills does a thirty-seven year old woman with six kids have to pull this kind of shit off?

I’m just saying that I know some chicks that develop a following because of their skills with the pussy but apparently this chick was some kind of kung-fu master with the pussy.

The way she ran thru cats it sounds like she either had biceps in that muthafucker or a full set of fingers.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

slow news day

2007-07-30T11:32:00.001-05:00

Did you know that back in the day Joseph Stalin attempted to have John Wayne knocked off. If you don't believe me, go look it up.

It seems that the “Duke” was such a standard bearer of good ole American right who always took great glee in telling the commies that they were a bunch of pink pantie wearing pussies that Stalin actually sent death squads to put the “Duke” in Boot Hill.

This shit lasted until Nikita (isn’t that a chick’s name?) Khrushchev came into power and squelched that shit, because unlike Joe, Nikki was a huge fan of the “Duke”.

Did you muthafuckers’s know that John Wayne’s nickname “Duke” came from a dog he had as a kid?

Yeah, as a kid he always had this mutt that followed him everywhere that went by the name of Duke, so as a result people in his town started referring to him as the “Duke”.

One of America’s greatest film heroes’s named after a dog, go figure.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-07-27T09:24:00.001-05:00

From the “why is this even an issue” department………..

Comes a story that to tell you the truth really doesn’t surprise me.

As a matter of fact it brings to mind a few months ago when I decided to switch doctors.

She was filling out her rap sheet on me and was asking all the standard questions. “So how many drinks a week do you think you consume?” I looked her dead in the eye and answered. “Truthfully, not nearly enough.” That stopped that bullshit.

But what I’m talking abut is that after that crazy diaper wearing chick astronaut went on her little road trip of unrequited love last February, NASA decided to do a little house cleaning and found out some shit they didn’t like.

Like that more then a few astronauts don’t mind knocking back a few before climbing aboard the fuckin space shuttle.

And I quote; “astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so drunk they posed a flight-safety risk on at least two occasions”.

Now let me ask you, does this really fuckin surprise anyone cause here’s how I look at it.

Space exploration is a wondrous thing and who hasn’t as a kid wanted to grow up to be an astronaut?

But as the baggy pants wearing kids would say, “Let’s get real about some shit”.

Because after years of intense education and training, your reward is being strapped on top of something that for all practical purposes is a multi million pound bottle rocket.

Then you take into count NASA’s safety record for the past few years.

Yeah, I’m not no expert but I’m thinking that a few drinks the night before to help me relax would be the understatement of the fuckin year.

I’m just saying that if Johnny America decides to have a cocktail or ten before getting strapped into the big hissing quaking firestick of death, I’m not by any means hating on a muthafucker.

It’s times like that where my foremost thought would be that I didn’t fuckin drink enough.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

tour de France

2007-07-26T08:03:00.001-05:00

I don’t know about you muthafuckers, but when I was a kid in school we generally kept our shit pretty much to the nines.

But when our regular teacher got sick or some such shit and they gave us a substitute we turned into some ass showing hedonistic little fucks. Sleeping in class, talking, anal sex, double fisting, it was all wide open because the regular teacher wasn’t there to keep our dumb little asses in check.

And that’s how I see what’s happening now in the Tour de France this year.

While the toughest man in sports Lance Armstrong was onboard muthafuckers almost took it for granted that the best they could do was second place.

But now that Lance has retired muthafuckers have absolutely lost their fuckin minds now that the playing field has evened and they think they have a chance of winning.

Cyclists are being yanked left and right for doping or missing drug tests.

I’m just saying that shits gotten so bad that the vice president of the World Anti-Doping Agency is suggesting that the sport should be yanked from the Olympics.

German public broadcasters have stopped airing the race, and one of Switzerland's biggest newspapers stopped writing about it. And some international papers are limiting their Tour de France coverage to nothing but doping stories.

Personally I’m surprised that with Lance out of the way, muthafuckers aren’t riding with needles sticking out of their asses.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

yo ho blow the man down

2007-07-25T14:51:00.000-05:00

Some of my many inside sources just sent me what has to be the best fuck you story I’ve heard all month.

It seems that these two cats were in a chat room on the internet when one of em called the other one a nerd.

Yeah, you heard me, a nerd.

The cat who got called a nerd who happens to be a twenty-five year old sailor got so fuckin mad that he threatened to kill the other cat.

Now keep in mind that for all general purposes, name calling on the internet is likened to two gay guys slap fighting. Slightly amusing but generally no one gets hurt.

But it seems that the sailor who lives in Virginia got so fuckin pissed at the other guy that he hopped in his car and drove his nerdy ass clear down to Texas to confront the name caller.

And once there he set fire to and burned the other cat’s trailer home to the ground.

According to my many inside sources, the alleged nerd is now doing seven to ten in the state prison.

Methinks someone has low self esteem issues or either fuckin blow the dog crazy.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

penis of knowledge, meet the gooey duck

2007-07-25T12:32:00.000-05:00

The thing the guys holding that looks like a giant cock & balls is something commonly referred to as a Gooey Duck.

It’s the largest burrowing clam in the world and if left alone can grow almost six feet long and weigh over fifteen pounds. The average life expectancy of a gooey duck in the wild is 150 years.

I only mention the gooey duck because last night makes the second time in as many months that I watched TV shows dealing with em.

The first one dealt with locating and digging em up and the second show had to do with cooking and eating the muthafuckers.

I don’t know. My first inclination when I see something looking like a giant space worm or cock waving at me from the ground is to run so fast that I leave black behind me.

So digging for one and eating it is just fucked up. But here’s the thing that just kills me.

Someone had to be the first. Somebody somewhere was just poking along the beach or mud and saw this giant cock thing waving up at em and went

“hmmm, lookie there, I wonder can a muthafucker eat that?”

That’s all I wanted, just to share this with you all. Please go back to what you were doing.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

wok me daddy

2007-07-25T08:27:00.001-05:00

I don’t know wither it’s because I’m older or what the fuckin deal is, but shit’s really starting to worry me.

Take for example last night after work. Since I hadn’t had any in a long while I thought I’d pick up a little Chinese on the way home.

Oh, and on a quick aside since I’m on the subject, I was at my favorite Laundromat this weekend.

It’s owned by this really nice Asian family and they all take turns working the place and this particular morning it was the grandfather’s turn to watch the shop.

So during the course of doing my wash I decided to head outside to take a smoke break where the old man followed me.

His English isn’t very good but he kept pointing at the large Kanji symbol tattooed on my shoulder. “You know what means, you know what means?”

That’s when I asked him what do you think it means? He then pantomimed a person being killed or dying whilst saying “gone, dead, no more”.

I just thought it was kind’a cool and justified all the time I put into researching my tattoo. Anyway, back to what I was talking about.

So I stop at this Chinese restaurant to order some take-out, and I couldn’t help but notice how insanely fuckin cute the little Asian chick behind the counter was.

I’m looking down at her imaging how much better she’d look straddling my face when everything screeched to an abrupt halt because I just noticed the giant woks behind her.

Yeah directly behind the counter sat the kitchen which held this giant assed stove thingie with these giant gas fired woks. Fuck the hot Asian chick; this was the coolest shit I’d seen all day.

These woks were huge, old looking and they sat on these big metal bowl/ring things that emitted a huge flame that looked like it belonged on the end of somebody’s jet plane.

In one wok the cat had vegetables going and into the other he poured a little sauce then joined everything together. By that time all the hot chick could do for me was move to the right so I could see everything better.

The cook then poured everything into a bowl then dumped water into the woks which instantly steamed up, cleaning the woks. Am I easily impressed or what?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

today truly sucks

2007-07-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

See the picture, farther your imagination and picture me next to the donkey.

Except that I’m holding a club or big knobby stick and I’m beating….....no, bludgeoning the fuck out of it.

I’m screaming and hopping around like some unholy puppet, beating the donkey while at the same time singing the timeless tune, “singing in the rain”.

And in between snippets of song I’m screaming “why sweet baby jesus, why do you burden me with such fools?”

And the donkey is laughing and mocking me and saying, “you pussie, is that the best you got? I got blowflies on my ass that hit harder then you do, ya big sissyboy!”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

inkblot test

2007-07-23T14:28:00.000-05:00

Laney`s Original Inkblot Test

Outcome A - The Human.

Based on the descriptions you chose, you are practical, reliable, friendly, and fit in with people quite nicely. You probably have a regular family and do well in acedemia.

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

they're not called geeks for nothing

2007-07-23T12:32:00.000-05:00

Back in the day when I was real big into photography and taking pictures of semi nude chicks in bars. It was a natural assumption that when I took my shit in to get it developed that somebody somewhere, might make a few copies for themselves.

But this was before the age of digital photography and I couldn’t afford my own developer, so what was a muthafucker to do?

Well in my case I only dealt with one small shop which happened to be near my house that my father turned me on too.

Back then his line of work sometimes had him taking pictures of fires and dead things for the police department so I figured if he was satisfied with their shit, then so was I.

And if by chance the opportunity came up to do some really weird shit, then I fell back on that good old standby, the Polaroid camera.

Because believe me when I tell you that you don’t really want those pictures of the chick next door flipping quarters and propelling golf balls with her yammer being passed around. It just ain’t kosher.

So when I see that Best Buy’s “Geek Squad” is being accused of pulling choice pictures and music off of people’s computers that are being repaired, I’m not surprised.

Best Buy is a huge corporation and there is a shit-load of Geek Squad muthafuckers running around, almost twelve-hundred by last count. And by any count, that’s a lot of muthafuckers to keep honest.

And as big a problem as it’s become, I can’t lay total blame on the Geek Squad because human nature is human nature. Some of the blame needs to be heaped on the shoulders of the consumer who should show a little common sense about shit.

If your computer’s hard drive is packed chock full of pictures of the wife in her action panties smacking uglies with all the neighbors. Or you got her hanging from the ceiling wearing nothing but heels and a grin; you might want to remove those pictures before sending it in for repair.

The same goes for the five million songs that little Johnny spent all summer downloading. Remove it, password protect it, or better yet learn to fix your own shit. I’m just saying.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

missing the boat?

2007-07-20T13:18:00.000-05:00

Harry, is that your magic wand or you just glad to see me?

Fuck me running.

I cannot for the life of me understand all the crazy hoopla with the newest Harry Potter book.

Does he die? Do they die? Do they blow each other? Does someone get laid? Is this muthafucker a bad guy, is that the bad guy? What a bunch of gay assed shit.

I could maybe understand all the fuckin excitement if Harry got laid or came out of the closet and fell in lusty love with his redhead buddy.

Or if someone announced that the chick had hit legal age and decided to pose in Hustler showing all the world her cock socket and shit. But no, I’m not seeing it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-07-20T09:29:00.000-05:00

From the “more butter please” department………………

Comes a story that just goes to show you that bigger isn’t always better in a “Chance the gardener” kind of way.

This middle aged cat over in France decided to go to the hospital due to a mild weakness in his left leg.

And once doctors pulled up his medical history they discovered that as a small baby he’d had a shunt stuck into his head to drain away fluid due to him having had water on the brain and shit, or if you want; hydrocephalus.

Now being that doctors or at least the more competent ones can’t leave shit alone, they decided to do a (CT) scan on the cat just to see what shit looked like and for giggles; they threw in an MRI also.

That’s when they found out that where the cat’s brain was supposed to be was mostly fluid and his actual brain consisted of only a thin sheet of tissue. Which in laymen’s terms means that this muthafucker had a tiny tiny brain.

And get this. Not only was he married with a couple of kids, but held down a government job to boot. Which ain’t really that fuckin surprising if you were to ask me, since I know a shit load of brainless fucks that work for the government. But anyway, back to the story.

The cat’s IQ measured out somewhere around seventy-five, just a tad below the average of one-hundred. It just proves how when the brain is injured, given enough time and the right shit, different parts of the brain will take over.

You know I can’t help but imagine what goes on at this cat’s house when the kids bitch about school.

“But daddy, schools too hard and I don’t wanna go today!” “Shut up you little bastards. Why back in my day we had to walk ten miles in the fuckin snow uphill. And once we got to school, some of us were so fuckin poor we couldn’t afford brains to learn with! So don’t go telling me shits too fuckin hard, I don’t want to hear it.”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

is there such a thing as too young?

2007-07-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

I had the oddest experience at a local deli last night.

I’m at the counter placing my order with the young chick standing behind it and standing over to the side is another young chick serving the soft drinks and shit. And by young I mean they both might pushing twenty years old if a day and I couldn’t help but notice the looks I’m getting from the chick serving the drinks.

I swear to god she’s looking at me like I’m a fuckin happy meal and she’s been fasting like fuckin Gandhi if you know what I mean.

So I place my order and go stand in a quiet part of the deli while waiting for it to come out. And sure as shit here comes ole hungry eyes walking my way and as she passes she’s grinning up at me all come-hither and shit, then she fuckin winks.

By now I’m thinking what the fuck, is this chick even old enough to be looking at me like that?

But here she comes again, this time giving me the full on grinning stare down. She must’a walked by me four or five times giving me the same look and all the time I’m standing there stock still trying not to give her a read.

Because trust me when I say that I’m not doing anything except standing there in one of my loud tropical shirts minding my own shit because I can't help thinking how young this chick must be.

Maybe it was the shirt cause I’ve found out that if I’m in a restaurant or a store and the person waiting on me is gay, I’m always getting the nicest compliments and shit.

Hell I’ve even been called a cute bear, and yes I know what that means.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

just rewards

2007-07-18T09:42:00.000-05:00

If there’s one thing that me and the many inside sources share in common is that we can’t stand a stupid muthafucker.

Don’t get me wrong; we’ll work with you all day long if you’re dumb because at least if you’re dumb, you’re still capable of learning some shit.

But like the man once said, “stupid is as stupid does” and we don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with your sorry stupid backwoods asses.

Take for example this stupid fuckard up in Alaska the other day who got into a fight.

He’s in his car sitting outside a Papa John’s pizza when this truck pulled up next to him. In the truck sat three cats having a conversation. Now one of the cats happened to be deaf and he was doing all his talking in sign language.

Here’s the point where being stupid gets you a lot of unwanted attention along with an ass beating.

Ole stupid thought that all the signing and shit was some sort of gang thing and that he was being disrespected and so he went looking for a fight.

He hops out of his car talking shit and it soon turned into a brawl in the middle of the parking lot.

Ole stupid has a cousin who works inside the Papa John’s who came running out and joined the fight. This piece of work started beating on the deaf cat while the deaf guy’s friends started wailing on ole stupid.

After it was all done, ole estúpido ended up in the hospital bleeding like a muthafucker suffering from the effects of a severe ass beating.

While his equally estúpido cousin ended up being the only man arrested due to the fact that during the fight all his dope fell out of his pockets in plain sight of the cops.

Yeah this stupid cumrag had several plastic baggies of meth, a glass pipe and $4,691 in his pockets. How stupid was that?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

don't call it a comeback

2007-07-17T07:41:00.000-05:00

My aged mother has been in the hospital the past few days so I thought I’d yank something out of the archives featuring her.

I love her to death and there’s never been a time when she hasn’t had my back. Plus she lets me store my bike over her house.

My mother’s a piece of art all by herself. She’s getting kind of long in the tooth these days and her swing isn’t as quick as it used to be, but she’s still a contender.

You know her and my father was married for forty three years, and get this; they knew each other since early childhood. That’s what happens when you’re both raised in the same small town in West Texas and that’s a lot of years to be seeing the same face even though she wishes it could have been more.

Years ago back when I was still somewhat cool I scored a backstage pass to meet BB King through an old roommate who knew members of the band in a “biblical” way.
And since my mother’s a huge blues fan I decided to take her so she could meet and hear the master at work.

They were playing at the Uptown Theater here in town and we had sweet seats near the stage. We’re sitting there listening to BB do his thing when this chick I knew walks up to the table.

Have I ever mentioned that if you were to see me and my mother together you’d have trouble believing she was my mother?

Well the chick sure didn’t, plus me and the chick used to be kind’a close if you know what I talking about. So she sees my mother sitting there with me and gets the wrong idea. The first thing she does is kisses me on the cheek then tells my mother to get up and unass the seat.

My mother say’s; “that’s my baby I’m sitting with if you don’t mind”.

The chick tells my mother that I’m “her” baby and she needs to go find some other man to sit with.

Of course I’m off to the side taking bets on my mother who I knew from experience had an evil left hook that just devastates.

Both women were getting all facial on each other when I decided to break it up. I asked my mother to calm down and told the chick who she was and to apologize.
I ended up telling my mother for years afterwards I couldn’t take her anywhere due to her always starting the shit up.

Some years later it was my thirtieth birthday and I figured I’d do it up something special and invite every woman I knew over to the apartment for a birthday party.

To my credit I actually had around fifteen women show up.

Talk about your laid back who-do. See, back in the day I had a thing where that every women I liked had to meet each other. It made for one big sort’a happy family and it kept the bullshit down. Of course there were the exceptions to the rule.

The Violent Stripper Chick had a hard time with that rule and the Stressed out Italian Stripper had issues also.

But back to the party, did I tell you that my Mother showed up?

For years whenever my Mother would call my place she never knew if she’d get to talk to me or not. If the Stressed out Italian Stripper answered the phone and she thought I was tired or busy she had no problem hanging up on my Mother.

I’d go visit my mother and she always ask me how was the evil bitch doing and I worked hard to make sure the two never meet. But with the party going on and all I completely let things slip.

My Mother had baked me this birthday cake and had it sitting on the dining room table all nice and shit. About an hour into the party the backdoor banged open and in came the Stressed out Italian Stripper wearing a leather and lace cat suit, and she had her own birthday cake.

She walked into the dining room and I swear to god picked up my mother’s cake and just fuckin put it in the kitchen sink, then put her cake in its place. My mother freaked the fuck out.

“Who’s this bitch and why’s she touching my fuckin cake”?

I heard one of the chicks in the living room holler out; “that’s Greg’s evil stripper roommate”.

“Oh, so you’re the bitch always hanging up on me whenever I try to call Greg?”

To make a long story short I had to step between the two of em. But at least they got to meet, and I had a memorable thirtieth birthday party.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

a light splattering from the penis of knowledge

2007-07-16T08:03:00.001-05:00

“An old bull and a young bull are walking through the hilly fields when they spy a herd of she cows meandering about at the bottom of the hill.

The young bull exclaims; “shit! Look at all that ass, let’s run down and get one”.

The old bull looks at his young charge in disgust; “why don’t we just walk down and be all smooth and shit and do em all’?”

A very old joke, but one with a message.

Rushing around does nothing but make you look stupid and all you end up with is a fuckin headache.

A lot of men these days have lost the ancient art of “Mackin”, and most of em couldn’t pick up a real woman if one died and fell off her barstool. They refuse to learn that it’s all about the approach.

It used to be fun watching some cat get all Barry White on some chick, using a pickup line handed down from his father’s father.

“Hi baby, see this key ring? I just wanted you to see all these keys, cause pretty soon all the shit they unlock is gonna be yours”

The women couldn’t help but laugh. Then he’d step back, laugh and introduce himself and before you know it he’s walking out the door with her.

I used to know this cat that used to bomb bad with the women. He never could get the hang of meeting em.

One night I finally got tired of his bellyaching and told him to point out any women in the bar that he wanted to meet. He looked around then pointed to this gorgeous brunette sitting at the bar.

“Give me a dollar”. He handed over the dollar and I brought a lighter from the bar.

I waited till the chick pulled out a cigarette then I walked over and gave her a light. When she smiled her thanks I introduced myself and shook her hand and ended up having a nice conversation with her.

I showed my young friend that all it takes to meet women is a smile and a handshake, and that’s about as “old school” as you can get. Though as you all know, taking my advice on anything is a foolhardy approach.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-07-13T09:51:00.000-05:00

I can’t remember the name of the movie, “the Big Bird Cage maybe”? But it had a lot of cool shit in it.

Hapless buck assed nekked sweaty women getting slapped out of their underwear whilst imprisoned on an isolated island full of cruel prison guards. Plenty of sex and violence and the infamous cat cage o’ death.

One of the cooler scenes had some of the women thrown into this big fenced in cage thing where the guards threw starving kitty cats in over the top. Cruel as it sounds it has to be one of the wildest over the top visuals I’ve ever seen.

Half nekked sweaty women running around screaming as they’re being scratched to death by starving angry kitty cats.

Well I think of that cat cage from time to time and always thought how much fun it would be to shove some muthafucker in it and throw a peck of starving cats in over the top.

But Greg you ask, who would deserve such a fucked up horrible death?

How about those parents who decided to sue the school district because their little pole dancer didn’t make the cheerleading squad. Yeah, throw those bitches in the cage.

And how about any guy who bitches about “ladies night” at the bar being unfair. Fuck you, you rat bastard prick, how the fuck you gonna bitch about ladies night?

If you’re such a little fey pussie, keep your ass at home. It’s called ladies night to oh I don’t know, maybe get more women in the fuckin bar? Jesus grow a set of nuts why don’t you?

Or how about this chick I saw on the way home from work. She was on one of those powered skateboard thingies right in the middle of the fuckin street. But her ass was so fat that she kept having to push it with her foot cause it couldn’t pull her.

So for being such a traffic impeding bitch, you get pushed into the cat cage o’ death.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Super Element Man

2007-07-12T08:48:00.001-05:00

I’m sitting on the couch the other night doing what I normally do, scratching my nuts and flipping thru all the cable channels when I came upon a show on the science channel.

It was all about the periodic table of the elements and how scientists are always trying to come up with new elements to add to it.

I just thought that this was some of the most fascinating shit especially when I found out that some elements happen naturally in nature like Sodium which is used in table salt and some are man made like Einsteinium, which was discovered in the debris of the first hydrogen bomb test and has no fuckin use whatsoever.

So during the watching of this show it hit me, that’s the superpower I want.

The ability to instantaneously reproduce any exiting element on the periodic table or come up with new ones for what ever need I might have.

Goddamn, I’d be a bad muthafucker.

Just think, with a single thought I could come up a lightweight breathable material with the ability to absorb kinetic energy.

Yeah, something like a tee-shirt like material that absorbs anything thrown at it wither it be bullets, missiles or that occasional spilled drink.

Or on a whim I could come up with something called scatanium. This would be an element that I could throw at a person that would reek of fresh shit and would be a muthafucker to wash off.

That would fuckin rock and it goes without saying that of course I would only use my powers for good?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

nigger this and nigger that

2007-07-10T14:18:00.000-05:00

Growing up I was a huge fan of Richard Pryor and every time he put out an album or a new movie, I was the first in line to buy it or go see it.

So when Richard came back from Africa one year and announced to everyone that he would never use the word nigger again; it had a huge impact on me.

This was what, maybe 1979 or so? Up until then Richard, like most black comedians of the day used the word nigger to excess. To be truthful up until then I never gave the word much thought.

Amongst my friends we used the word all the time with each other and never gave a shit unless someone not black threw it out then the fight was on. But when Richard said no more, I stopped and gave a lot of time and thought to what the word really meant.

That’s when it hit me what a fucked up word “nigger” really is, and since then I have done my best to exterminate that word from my vocabulary. I don’t use it, I don’t like hearing it, and I don’t like my family using it.

So when I read about how the NAACP put on a mock funeral recently to bury the word forever, I don’t know wither to applaud or call bullshit.

My initial thought is to call bullshit because I don’t give a fuck how many “mock” burials, or pretty speeches you give, unless you plan on getting off your signifying asses and do something, its all fuckin lip service.

By that I mean go after the main source, meaning us, as in black people.

Start with the schools and the stinkin assed kids. Teach em what the word really means and how people have died over its use. Show nigger for what it really is, a damnation of self and an insult, not some hip phrase to use when referring to someone.

Take the fuckin music and film industry to task over use of the word nigger. Don’t advertise movies or music who’s artist use the word nigger in their products.

Make them understand that yeah, it’s a personal choice but that doesn’t mean that we have to advertise your shit or go see and hear it.

Make the word nigger uncool or the new stupid and maybe soon the artist along with their industries will see themselves losing money and backers. I bet then they’ll stop using the word in their music and movies if the money dries up.

That’s how you make a muthafuckin change, you educate, educate, educate, and if that don’t work you hit muthafuckers where it hurts the most, the pocketbooks.

Give the NAACP props for at least doing something on the so called positive, but muthafuck a mock burial.

All the speeches in the world ain’t shit unless you have the balls to do something with all those pretty words. I’m just saying.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past........Lolita and the Ho-Force

2007-07-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

I was hanging out at the Hurricane on Wednesday and Chris the gorgeously illustrated bartender had one of her movies on the big screen for our viewing pleasure.

It was the original “Lolita” and I must say that I actually got a kick out’a watching it.

This is one of those movies that I’d never rent on my own cause I’d probably think it was a “chick flick”.

And before you call me a muthafucker, let me say that some chick flicks are cool to watch. Like the one with Helen Hunt and Jack Nickelson, cause you had a bonofide tough guy in it. And the one with Harrison Ford and that on and off gay chick, “what’s her name” plane crashed on that remote island, cause you had Harrison Ford doing what he does.

These are chick flicks that kind’a land in that gray area for men. While I’m on the subject some Disney movies are kind’a iffy also. I remember when the Lion King came out I really wanted to go see it, but of course I don’t have any kids.

I even asked various women could I use their kids as a shield to get into the movie, but after a few slaps and threats of calling the cops I stopped asking.

When I finally did go the chick behind the ticket counter ripped on me, she stared me up and down and looked behind me; “is this ticket just for you sir”? Then the bitch laughed and I told her to give me my godamned ticket before I forget where I’m at.

Nowadays I just wait for it to come out on video, judgmental muthafuckers.

Anyway, I thought Lolita was a very convoluted movie. Was Lolita a Ho or was she a small child stuck in a white trash dream?

My gorgeously illustrated friend Chris thought she was just a small child deep into shit that she didn’t understand, and that she was just mimicking the actions of a woman.

I dug the part where she was ragging on her older lover about all his adult aches and pains. That really brought to the forefront the age barrier between the two of them.

But I think that young girl or not, the Ho-force was strong within her.

Chris strongly recommends that I rent the newer version of the movie, she say’s that it stays truer to the original book and that it fills in a lot of the blanks the first movie left open. But I still highly recommend the first Lolita for all the cool shit going on in the background and the chance to see a young Shelly Winters get a classic cockblockin.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

The devils in the details

2007-07-09T14:10:00.001-05:00

Now this is fuckin funny.

James Hetfield the front man for Metallica was detained for a bit when he landed in London to play a couple of shows, one of them being the fuckin Live Earth show at Wembley stadium.

Airport security barred him from entering the airport.

He was stopped and questioned by airport security who thought because of the way he looked that he might have ties to the stinkin terrorist plus with his beard he resembled the Taliban?

According to my many inside sources, James at first showed them all his tattoos, then asked the crack security team had they ever heard of a little band from America called METALLICA!

Only after pulling out his inner rock star and threatening to eat their young, summon Satan’s spawn and engage in sex with their dead mothers, did British security finally realize their mistake and let James go about his business.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

bull shit

2007-07-09T10:40:00.001-05:00

I understand the thrill of doing shit just for the rush.

Part of it is simple human nature; part of it is just because it’s there and part of it stems from having something to prove. I understand it, dig it, whatever.

But when it comes to shit like the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, it’s like that old saying. “You fuck with the bull, you get the horns”.

Let’s start with the most defining feature of the run, the fuckin bulls. The bulls average fifteen-hundred pounds apiece which I don’t know where you’re from, but around here that’s called bigger then shit. Then there’s these little things called horns sitting on top of the bigger then shit bulls.

Combine the two together along with a bad temper and the ability to run fast and you got something with the size and build of a large boulder wanting to kick your ass.

According to my many inside sources, they’re called Miura Bulls and are specially bred for fighting which is just fucked up in it’s self. Isn’t that like breeding a lion or grizzly to be extra bitey?

So this years run left over half a dozen people crushed the fuck up and at least two got gored. And my votes still out on which worse, getting stomped on by a fifteen-hundred bull or getting stabbed by the horns.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-07-06T12:04:00.001-05:00

I think that in honor of the new Transformers movie I should just go ahead and build myself a giant flying robot.

Why? Because owning your own giant robot would be the coolest thing to come down the pike in years. I’d be like Johnny Sokko and his Flying Robot, where the giant robot would do my bidding without question.

Because even though I can’t speak for anyone else, I for one wouldn’t mind owning my own slave and what better slave then a giant robot that flies and shit?

Talk about being a despotic muthafucker.

What, you like parking on my side of the white line? I’ll have giant flying robot smash your shit the fuck up. What, you’re rolling a brand new Lexus? Bitch I got a giant flying robot. Fuck your new Lexus. As a matter of fact the next sound you hear is you crying like a slapped three-year old because my giant flying robot just took your Lexus and slung it into orbit.

Yeah I’d have a real cool chair installed on the shoulder of my giant flying robot so I could ride it around and order it to do shit via way of my telepathic helmet.

Oh yes, I’d have to rock the telepathic helmet because for one I think shit would be too loud for voice commands plus who looks cool all hollering waving around like a retard? I’ll just sit on top of my giant robot and glare at muthafuckers all omnipotent and shit. That’s the ticket plus chicks dig giant flying robots.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

giant robots for lunch

2007-07-05T16:35:00.001-05:00

I’m sitting at work and around lunchtime I came to the very important conclusion that I really didn’t want to be there or here.

So I left and went to see a movie which happened to be the new “Transformers” movie.

Being that I was never a fan of the cartoon series I had no great expectations nor am one of those elitist muthafuckers who can’t stand Michael Bay movies. I mean really, if you go see one of his movies for deep thoughts and the meaning of life and shit, you got some muthafuckin issues to begin with.

Plus c’mon, it’s a movie about giant talking robots from outer space that kick the shit out of each other and blow more shit up, so fuckin Hamlet it’s not.

So let me tell you that I enjoyed the muthafuckin fuck out of it.

First off it’s a movie I think you can take the kids too because even though there’s a few instances of adult type language, the giant robots and blowing up shit are so badass that the kids won’t even notice.

The Autobots are big, soulful and just cooler then shit.

And to hear Optimus Prime speak in the original cartoon voice just rocks with its cock out. I only wish that he would’a pulled a Samuel Jackson and said something like “I AM MUTHAFUCKIN OPTIMUS PRIME!”

Because I’m so sure the next sound in the theater would have been the collective sound of every fan-boy achieving orgasm at the same time.

So take some advice type shit from me. Leave your fuckin brain out in the car, buy you some popcorn and sit down with a coke and a smile.

Because unless you’re just some type of sissified punk bitch you will leave the theater telling yourself over and over “I am OPTIMUS PRIME”!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

daddy can I keep it?

2007-07-05T11:11:00.001-05:00

Speaking of yesterday and the post below, I found a couple of things oddly amusing.

First off was meeting my friend’s granddaughter. I’m guessing she was only a few months old and her reaction to me was priceless but pretty much the norm for that kind of thing.

I’m sitting in the kitchen and her father had her in his arms talking to her and I’m watching all this. And I’m figuring she must’a caught me out of the corner of her eye, cause she did that real slow head turn and when her eye’s lined up with mine they snapped wide open.

At first she looked like she wanted to cry but then she actually leaned forward for a better look, so I leaned forward in turn. And she stared and stared and stared, then looked at her father like, what the fuck?

She went back to staring only to suddenly start grinning, and for the rest of the time she was there she never lost her grin or took her eye’s off me. If I moved my head she would track me until I stopped moving.

The second thing was seeing my friend’s daughter Jean again. It’s amazing how the male mind sometimes works.

Here’s a stupidly attractive woman in her mid twenties all slicked up with oil from sunbathing wearing what amounted to a teeny tiny string bikini thing.

It didn’t dawn on me until I was in my car on the way home, but the second I saw her, my mind instantly went into a pseudo father mode. And instead of seeing a half nekked chick, my mind would only let me see her as the little girl I remembered.

It’s like that scene in Sin City where Hartigan sees Nancy Callahan dancing in the strip club for the first time. He notices that she’s all grown up and shit, but in his head she’s still that little girl from back in the day.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Curse di silenzio

2007-07-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

So for the fourth I went up north to see an old friend who I hadn’t seen in some years.

It was cool seeing her after all this time. I’ve known her since her kids were just old enough to walk and now they’re all in their mid to late twenties.

I was a little nervous about going over there because it’s been at least ten years since I’ve seen the kids and almost as long for her and I wasn’t sure that I’d recognize anyone, especially her daughter, Jean.

See, me and Jean always had a special relationship. When she was maybe four years old I pranked her and she didn’t like it because I scared her.

No sir, Jean didn’t like it one bit. So for the next ten years until she was fourteen which was the last time I saw her, she never spoke to me or spoke a word around me.

It was a very adult decision for such a little girl because I never heard her speak one fuckin word. If we were all together she wouldn’t speak a word. If I called the house and I heard Jean talking in the background, as soon as she found out that it was me on the phone, she’d stop talking.

At first everyone thought it was cute but after a couple of years we were just amazed at how long she could hold out. But you know the oddest thing? Besides from the not talking thing, she actually liked me a lot and would always ask her mother how or what I was doing and shit.

Like that one year I was stuck at home with a bum knee and her mother called me and told me that Jean wanted me to come stay with them until I felt better.

So yesterday I got to see everyone once again. All the boys are doing good while the oldest is married with a small baby girl who was just fascinated by me.

But the cool moment came when this beautiful young woman walked up and gave me the brightest smile and told me how good it was to see me after all these years. It was Jean and it was so great to hear her voice.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past.........MONSTER TRUCK DRIVIN', GRAVE DIGGIN', EAR-EATIN', REDNECKS

2007-07-03T07:28:00.000-05:00

Last week the giant Monster Trucks were in town doing their thing.

I can’t dis or commend the Monster Truck thing. I guess it’s like wrestling, either you dig it or you don’t, but it got me thinking about a bad experience I had once with a Monster Truck crew.

You’ve probably heard me say this before, but when I bounced at the Lone Star we played host to all kinds of fucked up people. We’ve had everybody from pro wrestlers all the way up to the pretty rock and rollers. And they all wanted to try their kung fu on us.

But the richer and more famous they were, the more we enjoyed doing the beat down.

I used to wear the greatest button; it explained our philosophy very clearly.

“An Equal Opportunity Discriminator. I Hate Everybody Equally”

In short, if you encouraged the beat down. A beat down was what you got. Trust me, our kung fu was always stronger, plus like the kids say; we had mad whack skills. Word.

One night a bunch of cabs pulled up and dispensed the sorriest bunch of muthafuckers I’d seen in a month of Sundays.

This crew made Jerry Springer rednecks look high class. They were the drivers and road crew for the Grave Digger Monster Truck. The Grave Digger was here in town as part of a bigass Monster Truck show.

Those cats were hankering for a drink and sure enough the name Lone Star sounded like home to em. Talk about your culture shock. These boy’s were expecting fine line dancing and Waylon Jennings on the Jukebox. What they got was Pantara and our fine local version of the mosh pit.

Sure enough as the night got older, shit started hitting the fan in a hard way. The Grave Digger crew decided they didn’t want to play nice with the long hairs and the long hairs just didn’t want to play. We had ourselves an honest to goodness bar brawl.

You know when you dig the gig too much? When you gleefully go after the redneck that’s so fucking big he’s throwing a shadow in a dark bar.

At the time I had no idea what happened, but later I was told we hooked into each other so hard we actually flipped each other over the waist high railing surrounding the steps into the club.

Now here’s the funny part out of all this. The cops are all over the place and the Gravedigger’s crews are being loaded into paddy wagons for the ride downtown.

(Know where the word paddy wagon comes from? Way the fuck back in the day, most of your cops in the big cities were of Irish descent, and paddy was a derogatory term coined for the Irish, thus whenever shit broke loose and the cops got called and they rolled out the police wagons to drag folks to the jailhouse. They were called paddy wagons)

Me and the other bouncers are shooting the shit with the cops when this kid comes walking out the door with blood all over his shirt and pants.

One of the cops spots the kid and hollers; what the fuck happened to you?

Well, remember the big guy that I hooked into too? I guess as he was punching people out in the bar and heading in my direction, he stopped just long enough to bite this kid’s fucking ear off.

We asked the kid why was he just now telling someone all this, and he said after his ear got bit off he hid in the bathroom till he thought it was safe to come out.

Hmmm, I supposed at the time it made a lot of sense to the kid to get hid. We never did find his ear; we finally figured the big guy must’a swallowed it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

pick your battles

2007-07-02T09:36:00.000-05:00

Last night on the TV something came on that brought back fond memories and a smile to my face.

A group of female protesters bum rushed the office of this logging company and chained themselves to a large sculpture in the main lobby. I’m guessing they had a beef with the local logging industry.

The cops were called and after informing the women that they were on private property, the police asked them to leave.

Now here’s where things got confusing. Confusing in that the women protesters thought they knew more about the law and the power of the police then the fuckin police did. Meaning that when asked to leave, not only did they tell the police no, but hell no and you can’t make us.

Yeah, that dog don’t hunt.

So in slow very clear language the cops laid out to the women what would happen next.

That being if they didn’t unlatch themselves from the sculpture and leave they would get maced and hauled off to de slammer.

And of course the women told the cops no and that they were staying and expect a lawsuit because they, meaning the cops had no right to mace anyone and if they did it would amount to torture of an American citizen.

I love watching people tell cops what they can or can’t do. You know what happens when you do that? You instantly jump on the cops bad side.

The cops asked them one more time to unlatch themselves and leave or here comes the pain.

Once again the women told em they no right and before they could finish the sentence the cops maced them. It was the most polite application of mace I’ve ever seen.

The cops actually poured mace into a Dixie cup and applied to the women’s eyes using cotton swabs.

Three of the women broke speed records unlatching themselves but one chick decided to hold out for the gold. She got an extra special helping of mace because the cops then sprayed her like she was on crack.

I guess the moral of this story is know when to pick your stupid battles. Because when you tell a cop he can’t, he will.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-06-29T08:36:00.001-05:00

From the “when you know the time is right” department…………..

Comes word that a study involving more then sixty years of intense research has ended.

Yes, after decades of research and study, countless hours of intense scrutiny, scientists have concluded that when it comes to penises, length matters more to men than to women.

Yeah, it seems that when it comes to that complex creature that we call woman, it really boils down to it not being the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean.

Actually the study says that about ninety percent of women actually prefer a wide penis to a long one. While eighty-five percent of women reported being satisfied with their partner’s penis size, compared to only fifty-fifty percent for men.

Now I can understand where this study comes from because for years next to my bed I used to have a plaque inscribed with the words “the myth stops here”.

And let me go on to say that it took me many, many years to actually get comfortable with my dick and even today in my late forties, me and my dick still have to hug it out.

Well actually we hug it out quite a bit. Ok, maybe more then quite a bit if there is such a thing but that’s fodder for another post.

To tell you the truth the study only confirms what I’ve always known. That “real women” love the cock.

Meaning that for most parts a cock is a cock is a cock, and the man behind the cock is what really matters.

And that makes me feel better knowing that next time I drop trou and expose to all the magic show that is big willie and the twins, she’s actually laughing with me and not at me?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

where's my movie money?

2007-06-28T12:43:00.000-05:00

Buffy the musical is hitting the road!!! And they're fuckin coming to Kansas City!! Ahhhhhhhh, I think I just wet myself!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

America eats its young

2007-06-28T10:17:00.001-05:00

Even though I used to be one, I just don’t understand teenagers and some of their actions these days.

I’m just saying that when I was a teenager I did some really stupid shit. But all that was tempered by having a father who was a cop and believed in beating me like I stole money from him when I fucked up.

It’s like that one day where I found myself standing scant inches from my old man as he was reading me the riot act over something and I found myself having somewhat of an epiphany. See the thought flashed through my head that I could take my old man.

Mind you I said the thought flashed through my head, I never showed it or said anything to indicate I was thinking it. Stupid I might have been but crazy I wasn’t.

But with my father being a cop, he must’a read it in my eyes or some such shit. And the epiphany happened when I realized that I knew that he knew what the fuck I was thinking and that the next few seconds of my young life were about to become very painful.

Yeah, trust me when I say that picking my own pubic hairs out of my teeth after getting my nuts kicked up into my throat quickly stopped any thoughts I entertained of taking my father on.

Which kind’a brings me in a roundabout way to these teenagers up in Colorado who got themselves killed the other day while at this party being held in this old reservoir out in the sticks.

Nearby were a bunch of old oil tanks and according to my many inside sources, a couple of the kids got drunk and decided they wanted to party on top of one of the tanks. Unfortunately the tank they picked to party on still had over a hundred barrels of crude oil left in it.

So between the teenagers smoking on top of it and jumping up and down like crazed weevils, the oil tank just blew the fuck up. See, the tanks have a release valve built into the top of em to release vapors so as to keep the pressure in the tanks from building.

And that’s not something you really want to be around smoking cigarettes and shit because it might you know, blow the fuck up. The two teenagers were blown over four hundred feet away along with a dog. How the fuckin dog climbed up there is still being investigated.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

unifying

2007-06-27T12:04:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting in the Record Bar early Saturday evening with a few friends having some cocktails.

No one’s really there yet except for us and we’re having one of those easy conversations unique to friends in that kind of setting. We’re jumping from one subject to another talking about everything from tattoo shops to who’s sleeping with whom and so forth.

Suddenly I look up from my drink and make eye contact with the cat next to me who suddenly starts grinning. And before you know it, like some sort of airborne virus the smiles and looks jump from one person to the next and so on.

For a few minutes not only are we united by friendship but also by the aromatic scent suddenly wafting through the air.

I exclaim “BACON?” And the call is soon carried by everyone in the bar. “BACON, BACON, BACON!”

It seems that the kitchen was pre-frying up bacon for the Record Bar’s Sunday Brunch and the scent was overwhelming.

Out from the kitchen door appears one of the cooks with a single strip of hot glistening bacon on a plate.

With great flourish he lays the plate before one of the bartenders and we watch with joy and some envy as she snacks it down with a satisfying smack of her red lips.

It’s amazing how a simple meat from the back and sides of a hog that has been salted, dried, and often smoked, being fried dregs up so many fond memories.

Breakfast with the family and my mother in the kitchen, days off on a cold winter morning watching nothing on the TV, and of course a serious hankering for a BLT.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

is that a dent in my forehead? why is there a fuckin dent in my forehead? Oh I just got tagged!

2007-06-26T12:21:00.000-05:00

I got tagged by another blogger so I’m posting a few random things about myself. Since I suck at shit like this they might seem more odd then random.

1. I enjoy the actual act of being polite. I can be polite to the point where it’ll start to creep you the fuck out.

2. And on the flip side, I think my anger is one of my favorite emotions. I actually enjoy being angry due to the fact that I’m more productive when pissed, plus I tend to feel better and stronger in an odd Hulkish sort of way. And yes, I know how so fuckin not normal that is.

3. I’ve never understood the concept of poetry, thus I’ve never read any that I’ve liked.

4. In my past I have used another human being as a tool to strike another human being with.

5. I really am scared of bears. Teeth and claws not withstanding, that’s one fight I’d think I’d lose.

6. I’m a huge science fiction/history geek.

7. It wasn’t until my mid-forties that I came to the realization that my legs and fingers are abnormally short. It’s like I have these huge hands but tiny mongoloid fingers. Hmmm, if my palms measure over four inches across, is that considered large?

8. I become oddly dangerous to myself when I’m bored.

9. If I talk to you, I like you. It’s that simple. And if I’m really comfortable I’ll talk and talk till I say something stupid.

10. I regret not being able to moonwalk and juggle.

11. Even though he’s been gone for years I still miss my stupid cat and can’t bring it upon myself to get another.

12. I don’t fear too many things but my motorcycle scares me to death. I think I can take one apart and back together in my sleep and I learned to ride during three days of pouring rain. But when I get on it to ride I forget to breath. It’s just one of those things I have to overcome. But until then it’s a point of great amusement / curiosity to my family and friends.

13. It’s ingrained in me to never betray a trust. Because of that my head is full of secrets I can never share.

Ok, I did more then eight, so sue me. And I tag you all!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

dumbass says what?

2007-06-25T13:01:00.000-05:00

A judge ruled Monday in favor of a dry cleaner that was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants by this dumbass overzealous lawyer.

I won’t run down the whole story because I’m sure you’ve heard of it since it’s been all over the news. It just pains me to no end that the lawyer’s Black.

Which is ok but to be Black and that goddamned stupid/greedy is just “damn”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I wanna be a supermodel

2007-06-25T10:50:00.001-05:00

I want to be a heroin spiking super model so I can be thin and have bad teeth and still be fabulous.

I want to go on Matchmaker.com so I can meet the woman of my dreams, someone who’ll want me for who I am. Then once we’re together I’ll take over the counter medicine so my chick doesn’t get the herpes. And when I have sex I‘ll wear the best cologne and have that so serious look on my face like a porn star.

I wanna run like the wind while playing in the tall grass and do flips like a little schoolgirl with my new absorbent pad with wings while wearing the whitest pants that I just washed in my sparkling new Maytag washer.

I want to have gay men tell me what to wear and how to best wax my ass. Then after we’re done I want more gay men to show me how to reorganize my living space. Then we’ll hop into my hybrid Green SUV and go fuck with Sasquatch while eating Jack Links beef jerky.

I want to hang out drinking Silver Bullets with half nekked chicks who dance like they’re on the fuckin space shuttle. And that evening end up at Applebee’s wondering if that’s her natural hair color.

I want a diabetes tester that’ll make me play like BB King with a Viagra hard-on so when Patty Labelle backs that ass up I’ll know what to do with it. I want to live my life like a never ending commercial because every day it’s Friday’s.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-06-23T11:04:00.000-05:00

Ok, let’s get this out in the open. I’m not a religious person by any means. I’ll respect your religion and how you do your shit as long as it doesn’t infringe on me but don’t go looking for me in anybodies church on any given Sunday.

An atheist I’m not because I’ve always believed but just don’t asking me to put a name to what I believe in. So with that all said let’s move on to today’s “sweatin the small stuff”.

The Vatican earlier this week issued a set of “Ten Commandments” for drivers, telling motorists to be charitable and shit to others on the highways, to refrain from drinking and driving, and to pray you make it before you even buckle up.

Now this is all fine and good and I’m always glad when churches and shit have the people’s best interest at heart. But as with all things religious, it’s all in how the individual reads it. So as always let me help a muthafucker out understanding what they’re saying and shit.

1. You shall not kill……..Ok, this is pretty straight forward. Don’t be killing muthafuckers and shit.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm……..Hmmmm, I think what they mean here is just drive the muthafucker. When you leave the fuckin house just get to where you got to go and don’t be fuckin around on the way. Kind of fits in with rule #1.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events……..this is easy, mind your own shit and stop with being such an asshole on the road.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents……..see some chick stuck on the side of the road? Stop and see if she needs help or at least call somebody.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin……..the car is not a substitute for your cock. And speaking of cock, it’s not kosher to blowjob and drive. Also its not fair to the rest of us that’s not getting any. Nothing says arrogant asshole like some cat in an Escalade getting a hand job whilst flying down the fuckin freeway.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so……….if you see some kids trying to drive drunk, then do the right thing and drag em out of the car and beat the baggy pants wearing asses off of em like they owe you money.

7. Support the families of accident victims…….even though you feel like it don’t laugh. Even if you don’t at least act like you give a shit.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness……….to hell with this one, you fuck up either me or my shit then fuck you in your non driving ass.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party…….don’t be trying to beat the kids while driving. Seems pretty simple to me.

10. Feel responsible toward others………yeah, watch all them muthafuckers and stay out of their way. That way no one gets their fuckin feelings hurt.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

give the dog a bone(er)

2007-06-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

I notice that PETA {People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals} has taken a personal interest in the case of a suburban Chicago man charged with one count of unlawfully having sex with a dog.

Now this seems odd in it’s self since here in the states I don’t think there’s a legal way to have sex with a dog? Feel free to speak up if you know something I don’t.

Oops, I’m sorry, according to my many inside sources that would be two counts of unlawfully fucking a dog, plus one count of property damage.

It seems that someone wanted Lassie so bad they tore down the fence to get to the dog, which meant that he had to fuck it twice as hard. Speaking of which, who tears down a fence to get to a dog these days? Someone’s reaching I think?

Anyway, getting back to PETA, it seems to me that instead of fuckin with people who wear fur or enjoy a steak every now and then, this is the kind of shit that organizations like PETA should be dealing with.

Anyway PETA is urging the county prosecutors office to as they put it, “vigorously prosecute” the man.

PETA swears they’re not trying to influence shit, but just want to let people know that PETA’s taken a keen interest in the case and that they’re glad that the county that the alleged double dog fucking happened in has it’s own “Animal Crime Task Force” set up to prosecute abuse and cruelty cases dealing with animals.

Even though there is some small concern dealing with the fact of how fucked up is shit that you need your own specific “Animal Crime Task Force” specially created for crimes of that nature.

Cause like how many dog fuckin, kitty diddling, horse raping, ole Bossy fisting, ole Sparky ass slapping muthafucker’s can they be in one county?

Damn! That’s just some fucked up statistics when you think of it.

It’s like over in Sweden and shit. The abuse of animals over there is so rampant that I think it’s something like eight out’a every twenty cats and dogs suffer from some form of sexual abuse.

Do you know what that means? That means if you’re in Sweden just walking along minding your own business and see twenty dogs and cats along the way, almost half of em have had personal issues with humans.

Ow, sorry, I meant wow.

It seems to me that after PETA opens a branch in suburban Chicago, they need to haul their overzealous asses over to Sweden and take care of business.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

did I do that?

2007-06-20T10:35:00.000-05:00

Not that I’m making fun of the dead, but some cat down in Texas got himself tasered by the police the other day and just burst the fuck into flames.

According to my many inside sources, the cat was all bent out of shape due to an upcoming divorce and was afraid he would lose his house and shit to his wife. So for the past few months he’d been threatening to burn himself and all his shit to the ground before he’d give anything to that bitch.

Things came to a boil the other day and the cops got called and when the cops showed up this crazy bastard pours gasoline all over himself.

At first the cops tried to talk the cat down but that didn’t work for shit so they pepper-sprayed his ass which to tell the truth after pouring gas all over yourself doesn’t do much to a muthafucker. So they ramped it up a notch and tasered him.

Let’s see………man soaked in gasoline versus taser……hmmmm, what could go wrong?

How about firing the taser and watching this crazy muthafucker flame the fuck on doing his best Richard Pryor imitation.

Now cops are currently investigating if the taser actually set the cat on fire or maybe he did it himself and it was just coincidental that it happened just as he got hit by the taser. Oh yeah, I think I can see which way this might go.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

secret agent man

2007-06-19T11:11:00.000-05:00

In keeping with the theme of yesterday’s post let’s talk about certain secret agents and their bullshit.

Take for example IMF secret agent Ethan Hunt and how he does what he does compared to how it actually should be done.

Here’s a secret agent cat that dresses well, has all the hippest secret agent toys and seems to be able to travel wherever he wants at his own whim. And just for the sake of time we’ll forgo his little habit of killing muthafuckers and talk about the more mundane shit.

I for one would like to know what his GS (government service) level is because if he happens to be nothing more then a GS-9 or 10, he seems to be living the life of Riley like a muthafucker.

Have you seen the house this muthafucker lives in and he’s always off in some exotic spot mountain climbing and shit.

I’m just saying that the GAO (General Accounting Office) and DHS (Dept of Homeland Security) might have a few questions for ole Ethan because someone’s living a bit beyond their means.

And I can’t even begin to imagine all the stinkin paperwork this muthafucker must be involved in.

In reality everything from his guns to his secret decoder sunglasses is considered accountable property and has to be tracked for by the poor slob who happens to be his IMF property officer.

Every single item has is tracked by computer and Ethan has to sign a piece pf paper for every fuckin single item issued to him. Then at the end of each mission he has to account for those items.

So let’s say that in the heat of battle he flips his new Jag which also happens to have his encrypted lap top with his mission assignment in the fuckin glove box.

He has to first inform his superior officer that he lost some shit and then fill out the paper detailing how and why he lost it all the while hoping the Man doesn’t pull it out of his pay.

Then you look at shit like his bullets which are considered expendable property assets.

Checking out a couple of cases is fine but what happens when he gets into a serious firefight? Yeah, try explaining that you need more bullets because you were throwing boxes of em at muthafuckers the other day to some anal, overworked supply officer who could give a fuck.

Then there’s a little matter of his timesheets. His timekeeper must go on crack binges instead of eating lunch trying to code that muthafucker out.

Anyway, I could go on and on but you get my drift. Next time we’ll discuss what it actually takes for a secret agent to acquire a super sports car.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

a few questions

2007-06-18T13:22:00.001-05:00

As a minion of the Man I’m always wondering? How do they do it?

As a logistics specialist for the Man, whenever I see some evil despot’s lair in a movie I tend to look at the inner workings. Let’s break it down a bit.

First off you have to lease the space, then once the space is leased you need to hire a general contractor to build the space to suit you.

So let’s say for arguments sake that you found that perfect abandoned underground warehouse that say’s home sweet home to you. Do you as an evil despot or nefarious crime lord just hire off the street?

Because as we all know most crooks/handymen are as a general rule, stupider then a muthafucker and only good for killing shit.

Is there an evil Home Depot or evil Geek’s Squad that you hire to set your shit up? Better yet, how do you go about getting your utilities turned on?

I mean it’s a huge pain in the ass just getting some regular cat’s cable or gas transferred to a new address across town, much less some giant underground cavern or mountain top. Do you pay your deposit in cash or check?

And what if you’re late on a payment, because you’re evil do you just kill a muthafucker when he shows up to turn your shit off? If so your deposit must be crazy.

Yeah, I can’t even imagine what it most cost to cool or heat the average evil lair these days. Fuck even if you’re on an even-pay plan for most of your shit it’s no wonder you insist on holding nations ransom. You need the money to keep the gas on.

How do you deal with the EPA for all the waste you’ve accumulated setting up the giant acidic waterfall in your lair? Or the Nuclear Regulatory Committee every time your nuclear reactor fires up when you decide to knock the moon out of its orbit.

Or the neighborhood committee when your stupid mutant soldiers shit on everyone’s yard?

And don’t even mention the ruckus you raised when you decided to stick lasers on cats and you found out that cats are basically untrainable. The city’s still on your ass over that little fuck up.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-06-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

From the “quick, cover yer nuts” department…………………….

According to my many inside sources, which in case you’re curious, are different from my many unknown sources, told me the oddest tale out of Germany that sounds like it came straight out of a Monty Python skit.

It starts with this seventy-year old woman who’s sitting in her house minding her own business when this squirrel runs in and started beating the shit out of her.

The attack ended when the squirrel jumps her from behind, sinking its teeth into her hand. The old chick runs into the street screaming her old ass off with this crazy assed squirrel hanging from her hand.

She’s finally able to shake the nutty muthafucker off where it runs into this construction site where it starts going off on a construction worker.

This poor bastard is beating the fuckin squirrel with jackhammers and sticks and anything else he can grab because the crazy squirrel is biting him all about the arm’s, hands and feet.

He’s able to beat the fuckin squirrel off who runs off in search of someone else to fuck over. The squirrel next runs into the garden of a seventy-two year old man and starts in on him.

But this tough old bastard, even while being bitten massively about his arms, hands and legs, manages to kill the rampaging squirrel with the only weapon he had available, his fuckin crutches.

Experts think the squirrel may have been either ill or horny or a member of the Nazi Party.

And next from the “is that camel-toe or you just happy to see me” department…….

Comes a story of an ass beating of a different kind where amid much screaming and wailing, four New York lesbians were convicted of assaulting this cat that they beat and stabbed after he tried to hit on one of em.

According to my many inside sources, the lesbians were walking through Greenwich Village and as they passed the Independent Film Center this cat started making moves on one of em.

One of the lesbian chicks testified during the trial that her group told the cat they were not interested and that’s when he got all fratboy on em getting all rude and shit.

Calling the women names and telling them all the while the great fratboy pickup line which basically goes like this. “It ain’t that you bitches are gay, you just haven’t fucked the right man. Shit, fuckin me will make your asses go straight”.

Now from what I understand that’s more or less the last thing this muthafucker remembers until waking up in the hospital.

According to my many inside sources, fucking with lesbians in New York City will get you amongst other things, a lacerated liver and stomach, plus all the other various injuries that come with an old school ass beating.

The lesbians were all sentenced to jail terms ranging from three and a half years to eleven years for the beat down.

It seems that security cameras caught the beat down and the judge threw the book at the girls due to the fact that not only was the ass kicking done with extreme zeal and zest, but one of the chicks had a knife and knew how to use it.

Plus deciding to beat the cat a second time after he was already down and bleeding didn’t look so good either and it goes without saying that lesbians the world over are upset and see the sentencing as unfair.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

LOL

2007-06-14T10:02:00.001-05:00

I see from reading the news that some teachers across the country have decided to fight back against some of the unruly little fisters they’re required to teach.

According to my many inside sources, this one middle school had an awards ceremony at the end of the school year where teachers handed out award certificates to deserving students.

For example one kid got presented with “Most likely not to have Children" and "Sir Clowns-a-Lot" awards from two teachers at his school.

Can you imagine the face on that kid standing there in front of all his classmates all smug and shit, expecting to receive some righteous award from his teachers only to be told in front of everyone that basically you’re an asshole?

Talk about ROTFLMAO!

“Yeah and little Susie gets the “most likely to be a whore” and the “brass pole overachiever” award for being such a little snapperhead slut during recess.

And Matt receives his award for being a little gutter mouth bastard and most likely to grow old and alone in the state run nursing home. Yeah let’s give em all a hand.

Well let me tell you what? Parents were shocked and all the little crumb snatchers were aghast and muthafuckers were just upset in general.

Now according to my many inside sources who were cracking the fuck up, teachers were like, “fuck you and little Johnnie” We break our asses everyday trying to undo your nonparenting bullshit and teach your little fisters something.

Most of the kids want to learn and are a joy to have in our classes but some of these little bastards are nothing but a bunch of disruptive little pricks and I’ll apologize as soon as pink elephants moonwalk out of my ass!

Oddly enough the school system is telling parents that they’re sorry for the teacher’s rude behavior but they don’t seem to be in a bigass hurry to make the teachers apologize.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

mayhaps, I'm wound too tight?

2007-06-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

You know what I think is so fuckin rude? It’s when some asshole soliciting for a charity calls your house and greets you by your first name like you’re some long lost pal.

Fuck you, you don’t fuckin know me so what gives you the fuckin right to greet me by my first name?

First off I think it’s disrespectful as fuck and if you think by using that tactic to gain an “in” with me, you are so wrong.

To think that calling me and trying to get all familiar and shit, asking me if you’re breaking into my yard work using my first name as many times as you can makes you what in my book?

It makes you a shit flinging moronic piece of shit and until you learn proper phone manners?

Suck a dick.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

no porn for you

2007-06-13T09:49:00.001-05:00

Iran's parliament on Wednesday voted in favor of a bill that could lead to the death penalty for persons convicted of working in the production of pornographic movies.

This means that if you’re starring in a porno, directed the porno, shot the porno and if it was done in Iran or features Iranian actors you would face the death penalty.

You could be the boom mike operator or the fluffier or even the chick that made those little meat sandwiches, and you could face the death penalty in Iran.

Now I’m down with understanding that porn isn’t for everyone but goddamn, killing muthafuckers over porn seems just a tad over the top don’t you think.

Again another reason why those muthafuckers are always so fuckin angry.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

kung fu grip, I'm just sayin

2007-06-12T11:39:00.000-05:00

This just popped up recently and has to rank as one of the more stupider ideas out there.

A watchdog group that tracks military spending came across a fucked up U.S. military proposal to create a special pheromone or hormone bomb that would turn enemy soldiers into raging homosexuals.

Thinking that if such could be accomplished; muthafuckers would be more interested in making sweet, sweet love and not so much with the fighting and shit.

According to my many inside sources, Pentagon officials confirmed that yes they had considered building a so-called “Gay Bomb” but then rejected it. The plan was to invent something akin to a human bug bomb that when set off would expose muthafuckers to strong chemical aphrodisiacs.

This in the hope that the shit would make soldiers want to throw down their arms and instead throw down on that ass.

Get it, throw down on that ass…………………

As a matter of fact the military wanted the gay bomb so bad that they spent almost eight fuckin million dollars in development before they allegedly stopped.

You know I don’t know which would be better. Being a fly on the wall for the brainstorm session that came up with a “gay bomb”, or seeing how they tested the muthafucker.

Because you know that if the military invested millions of dollars on some shit, they tested it and somewhere somebody’s leathernecks are stepping a little light if you get what I be saying.

And of course it goes without saying that Gay’s the world over are offended that muthafuckers would even entertain the thought of bullshit like that working.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

yeah I said pig pussy

2007-06-12T09:13:00.001-05:00

This year according to my many inside sources, nine states including Arizona, Connecticut, Delaware, New Jersey, Washington, Maryland, New York, Oregon, California and Tennessee have considered legislation specifically banning driving while texting, or DWT.

Washington became the first state to pass a law, which takes effect in January, making DWT a crime with a $101 fine.

According to the pig pussy Democratic and Republican legislators across the country, enough is enough.

What with shit being bad enough that muthafuckers eat, drink, back-hand the stinkin assed kids, put on the fuckin makeup, shave their snatches, watch porn, clean out the stinkin toe jam, and talk on the fuckin cell phones?

But now with the advent of texting, legislators are saying that multitasking whilst driving has gone too fuckin far and they’re not gonna fuckin take it any more.

So the push is on to put a stop to all this multitasking bullshit which I so don’t have a problem with. Because honestly, when I see someone in the car next to me texting or talking on their phone, I tend to get out of the way.

And most of my close friends know that I’m not down with talking and driving and will terminate the call if I know they’re in the fuckin car whilst calling me.

You know that most people have the misconception that their personal driving skills are better then everyone else’s. But in reality most people drive like shit and here’s a simple test to showcase my point.

As you’re driving down the road attempt to look at something to your extreme left. I bet I can guess what happened next. You found yourself drifting into the adjoining lane didn’t you?

Don’t feel too asinine, it’s hard not to do because it’s the inclination of the car to steer where you’re looking.

Plus on top of that a lot of you muthafuckers drive too goddamned close and how you gonna stop from getting all up in somebody’s ass end when you’re busy tapping out text messages and shit?

I’m just saying that this legislation might be a good thing because not withstanding that’s its hard enough watching out for regular shit you have all this other crap to deal with.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Question of the day

2007-06-10T10:37:00.000-05:00

Why do television golf announcers always talk in hushed tones when they do the play by play, does it make the game of golf more dramatic? Are they actually afraid they’re gonna break some muthafucker’s concentration?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-06-08T11:18:00.001-05:00

By no means have I ever considered myself a smart man, I’m content just moseying along happily hoping I kind’a blend in with the rest of the dumbasses out there.

But if there’s one thing I know for goddamned sure, it’s not to fuck with old people. And you know why?

Well one reason is that with me knocking on the big 50, I have very little faith in the younger generation. Ok, maybe that’s a tad on the harsh side. Maybe I should say that their shit isn’t my shit.

So I’m sure that the same shit holds for the old grizzled geezer stepping out of the liquor store who would probably love nothing more then to punch me in the throat for getting in his way.

This goes hand in hand with never underestimating an old person because you never know what their past might have been. For all I know they could have singly handedly killed off a bear and shit with a sharp pokey stick.

It’ll be my luck to look at some old muthafucker wrong only to find myself fighting off ninety pounds of wrinkled pee smelling killing machine that’s intent on going all John Woo on my ass. Or some old cat not digging the glide of my stride telling me that he fucks women tougher then me and showing me his diddle finger.

So when I read a story about some old cat who after being pinned by a fallen tree for hours decided to free himself by cutting his own leg off, I don’t doubt it one bit.

Yeah, this cat in his late sixty’s was out in the woods cutting down trees last week when one fell pinning one of his legs to the ground.

He lies there for over eleven hours hollering for help but since he was way the fuck out in the middle of the woods, nobody heard his cries. So he nutted up, pulled out his pocket knife and proceeded to cut off his own leg to free himself.

See, it’s crazy fuckin shit like that separates the old tough guys from us with the pinker parts.

If that was me, I’d be crying like a slapped three-year old girl and would I ever consider cutting off my own leg to free myself? Fuck no.
First off you’d never catch me in the fuckin woods, let alone cutting down trees and shit. Secondly, I pussie up when I cut a fingernail too close so fuck cutting off a limb.

I can’t even begin to imagine that conversation with myself. But the old man was able to free himself and after crawling a ways was able to find someone with a cell phone who got him some help.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

This will be an ongoing list of people who I think need a running kick in the junk.

2007-06-07T19:13:00.000-05:00

The Burger King guy needs to be kicked in the junk simply because he creeps me out. Plus I wonder if he’s really a man at all because in all fairness he could be a tranny or hermaphrodite under that mask for all I know. If that’s the case once he or she falls, drop an elbow into his or her nether regions for good measure.

Weather people on the TV who cry danger, danger more the stupid robot from Lost in Space need a good kick in the nutsack or cock socket.

All those muthafuckers who come up with all these non-violent, you’re ok, I’m ok, rainbow bright, freak mascot having, daytime kiddie shows, all need a running kick to the junk. You’re one of the reasons we’re raising a nation of mindless pussies. If I see one more rapping blue bear I’m gonna go Tony Soprano on someone.

The Spanish Language Channel needs a kick to the junk. Why don’t you bastards close caption this shit? Do you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe I might want to know what the fuck is going on? Heartless fucks.

Paris Hilton needs to be super kicked in her crab hole. I’ll give you a nervous breakdown you trench holed slut. Then again her pussy has had more hands in it then the practice dummy at the gynecologist collage, so kicking her might make me lose my shoe.

The Planters Peanut guy needs his balls pushed in. What, he’s too good to talk? Actually if you must know the truth I can’t stomach that swarmy look on his face. And who the fuck wears a monocle anymore?

• The people who have all those dating commercials on TV need a good slap to the junk. What ever happened to meeting someone the old fashioned way, drunk in a dark bar?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

rollin

2007-06-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

I had planned to write about something deep and meaningful but truthfully when it comes to certain shit I’m like a fat retard wearing a Batman cap chasing an ice cream truck.

So why try to fight it, which brings me to this story sent to me by some of my many inside sources, which has to rank as the feel good story of the week.

Somehow this cat in one of those powered wheelchairs was coming out of a local “gas & rob” and got the handles of his chair stuck in the grill of a moving semi trailer truck.

You can almost see this one coming right?

From what my many inside sources tell me, the cat was crossing in front of a moving semi and didn't quite make it. The next thing he knows he’s flying down the road at fifty miles an hour, stuck to the grill of the truck like he’s some kind of moth and shit.

Can you imagine being the muthafucker driving down the road only to see some cat in a wheelchair with the really fucked up “Jane, get me out of this crazy thing” look on his face coming up in his rear view mirror?

And you know somebody called the cops and reported a man in a wheelchair being chased by a semi passing cars on the highway. “Yeah, he just rolled past me doing at least sixty!”

Anyway this lasted for the good part of four miles until the truck driver pulled into the parking lot of his trucking company.

Cops roll in from all directions and of course the truck driver is completely unaware of what’s going on until he hops out of the cab and see’s what the big fuss is all about.

Which is the guy sitting in the wheelchair which is still attached to the grill of his rig.

According to my many inside sources, the cat in the wheelchair came through it all unharmed and was actually pretty calm about the whole deal telling cops that with the exception of spilling his coke, it was quite a ride. No word on if he did it again.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

packing meat

2007-06-06T09:55:00.000-05:00

You kind’a know that god hates you when you work at a meat processing plant in a really rough neighborhood in Mexico City.

Yeah, it’s bad enough that you have to negotiate the maze of bullshit just to get to your job, but once there your boss tells you to get your old ass up to the roof.

And why?

To feed the tiger and lion that this muthafucker keeps in cages on the roof as fuckin pets.

So there you are in the hot Mexican sun flipping pieces of chicken to these two big assed muthafuckers which is nothing but pure crazy because everyone knows that you don’t feed fuckin chicken to pets because they might choke on the bones.

And lo and behold what happens?

The tiger and lion come to the conclusion that they’re not down with your old chicken flinging ass and simply wait till you get close and snatch you like you owe em money.

The policia gets called along with the paramedics but they can’t get past the animals that by now are well on their way to shitting you out.

And trust me, the irony of being eaten by tigers and lions at the “meat packing plant” you work at ain’t lost on anyone.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

confused? you decide

2007-06-05T07:36:00.000-05:00

I’m leaving work yesterday afternoon and as I exit my building’s parking lot onto busy Ward Parkway I sense something to my left.

I turn my head to take a look and there I am face to face with a fuckin deer. A chick deer to be exact just standing there in the grassy median strip checking out all the cars and shit.

I quickly deduced that it was a chick deer due to the fact that it wasn’t sporting the antlers which is something I learned care of the animal channel.

It’s amazing how the human mind reacts to odd things like that.

I turn my head and see the deer less then ten feet from my window and it’s like “huh, a chick deer, how you doing”? Then it switches to “a deer, what the fuck is a fuckin deer doing the fuck around here and should I do something about it”?

I was curious as to how it made its way to ninety-second and Ward Parkway and what was it’s immediate plans?

Was it gonna bolt into traffic and fuck somebody’s shit up, or did it just plan on setting up camp and hanging out for a few?

Maybe it was one of those suicidal deer and was just waiting on the right opportunity to off itself. I couldn’t by looking at it’s face because it’s a deer after all, and I think they only work the one look.

But I felt that I had to do something and since getting out of the car and running it to ground was out of the fuckin question, I called 911 and told em that they better come arrest this lost muthafucker.

Funny thing though, all night long in bed I had dreams about fighting bears.
Stupid chick deer.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Mr. Sandman, dream me a dream

2007-06-04T09:48:00.000-05:00

Up in the land of the round bacon this cat was at a party and after getting his drink on fell asleep on the couch with this chick he’d been talking too.

A few hours later he found himself getting slapped awake by the chick who was all what the fuck are you doing? Because the what the fuck was he doing was that he had slipped her the cock and was just banging away like a retard on his sister.

Which if you think the chick was surprised, imagine the surprise on the cat’s face since for all intents and purposes he claims he was asleep and was unaware that he was doing the deed?

Cops were called, small children were traumatized and he ended up in court on sexual assault charges.

But to the chagrin of female canucks everywhere the cat was acquitted of all charges and the case is now on appeal.

And why you’re most likely asking, was he cleared of the sexual assault charges?

Well according to my many unknown sources, under Canadian law “if there's no intent to commit a crime, you haven't committed a crime”. Now I know you’re as fucked up with the dumbass as I am, but check this out.

The cat has a long history of sleepwalking which according to my many inside sources, belongs to a group of behaviors known as “parasomnias”, which can run the gamut from sleepwalking to sleep driving.

This odd little grouping also includes the rare but documented “sexsomnia” or sleepsex.

Eggheads in the know about this kind of shit say think of it as a more advanced form of sleepwalking. It covers the full gamut of sexual activity, from feeling someone up to actual fuckin, with one crucial difference.

The patients apparently have no conscious awareness of what they're doing and, when wakened, have no recollection of it. Some kind of rape defense huh?

Now psychiatrist have only aware of sleepsex since 2005 and some of em either accept it as plausible whilst others call bullshit on it.

I guess it depends on which side of the defense table you’re sitting on.

Now myself, I have sex in my sleep all the time but all I get out of it is a sticky pillow and bad ass cramps. I don’t know, I’m just saying that if I’m having sex I sure in the fuck want to be awake for it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

drizzle dicked bastards

2007-06-01T11:33:00.001-05:00

As a minion of the MAN for some years now, I’ve always been disturbed by how some organizations publicize certain information to the public sector.

There's just certain "things" that "everyone" doesn't need to know.

But shit, for years it’s been a known fact that if our nation's enemy’s want to know what we’re up too, all they need to do is turn on the fuckin TV and watch CNN or pick up a goddamned newspaper.

Because sure as fuck, if these muthafuckers find something they think as news worthy, they’ll sure as fuck put it out and so what if it compromises national security or someone’s life.

Back in the day cat's had morals and if something that might compromise a muthafucker leaked to the press all it took was a call saying that this is some sensitive bullshit and you might not want to be putting it out and shit for it to stop.

But now everything seems to be about who can beat who off the mark and can we up the ratings, so any moral judgment goes out the fuckin window and no one thinks about the bigger picture.

But that’s what we’ve come to expect from news organizations because for the most part they’re all rat prick bastards anyhow.

But when you have someone like the architectural company tasked with designing the almost done American Embassy over in fuckin Baghdad, and they put detailed plans and images for the muthafucker on their website, it’s like what the fuck?

It’s like making copies of all the keys to your fuckin house along with the address and putting em in the sack that’s marked “free crack” and throwing it out of the car.

And can I say that I’m personally embarrassed due to the fact that these clueless bastards are from Kansas City.

Just show me the window that all the common sense went leaping the fuck out of because somebody needs to slam that muthafucker shut.

Anyhow, just grab my belt and follow me for a second here and I’ll use small words so we can all keep up.

.....Your company is tasked with designing a secure safe space smack dab in the middle of one of the most hostile areas in the world in the middle of a city where some of the populace takes great delight in killing as many of us Americans as they can.

.....The space your company designed is just a few months shy of being done and will hold the United States Embassy which in turn will be occupied by the military along with civilian personal including their family members.

.....I'm just saying that this ain't no simple 7-Eleven and shit.

.....And you think it’s a bright fuckin idea to put the muthafuckin plans on the fuckin internet for every swinging cocksucker to see?

What the fuck is wrong with you people, have you smoked the crack and gone stupid? I hope the fuckin monkey cancer makes your dicks wilt off.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-06-01T08:34:00.001-05:00

From the ever popular “even Paul Harvey thinks you’re a dick” department ………..

Comes the story that’s been making all the rounds about that Atlanta ambulance chaser who decided to board a commercial flight from Europe to the United States even though he knew he had tuberculosis.

Now to be fair and shit I need to mention that before he left to go overseas, he and his doctors knew that he had the fuckin TB, and the Center for Disease Control thinking that he wasn’t a danger to anyone had only advised him not to travel.

But I guess after a few more cups of coffee they came to the conclusion that his shit was really fucked up and contacted him in Europe and told not to fly and stay put until the local CDC got hold of him.

But no……..this cocksucker decided he wanted to fly back and slipped across the border.

According to my many inside sources he might have bribed a border guard who let him thru the American/Canadian border even though the computer flagged his passport to be held as a serious medical risk.

Now his sick ass is sitting in a Denver hospital in quarantine where he’s feeling all sorry for himself and shit.

"I've lived in this state of constant fear and anxiety and exhaustion for a week now, and to think that someone else is now feeling that, I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way. "I don't expect those people to ever forgive me. I just hope they understand that I truly never meant them any harm."

Yeah and what the fuck ever.

Those “people” are all the muthafuckers that he came into contact with including a plane full of people that who by all counts would love to have a little face time with this selfish bastard.

I really hope that no one got infected by this guy. And I find it so fuckin ironic that here’s a cat who’s a personal injury lawyer who faces maybe getting sued back to the stone age by the people he ’might have infected.

By the way, if you wanna read a good viewpoint from a longtime nurse, go over to Satyavati's blog and see what she had to say.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

bunnie love

2007-05-31T07:52:00.000-05:00

For some odd reason I’ve been noticing a slew of really fucked up TV commercials as of late.

One starts off with a group of bikers blowing down the freeway who eventually end up at some picnic or rally. These cats hop off the bikes all grizzled and manly with their leathers on and all that good shit.

Then a picture of this thing pops up that looks like a giant panty shield. And the commercial’s implying that all the bikers were sporting one of these under their Levis and chaps and shit.

I think the tagline was “for when you just can’t stop”. Or at least I think that’s what it was about because my mind was still stuck in what the fuck mode.

Then there’s the commercial put out by this insurance company. It shows a bunch of cute white bunnies going thru physical therapy.

And why?

Because they’re all sporting a prosthetic foot that looks speciously like a rabbit’s foot lucky charm.

The commercial wants you to believe that all these poor rabbits that had their feet removed to make good luck charms have had em reattached. The tagline goes something like “you don’t need good luck anymore”.

But my favorite out of the current crop starts off with two women sitting in a living room visiting.

They’re talking and shit while in the background you hear this little boy hollering “mommy” over and over again.

The two chicks keep ignoring the kid who finally comes into view exclaiming how the dog has learned a new trick. And into view comes this large dog dragging his ass across the carpet.

You know that thing dogs do when their asshole gets to irritating em? And they sit down on their asses with their back feet all splayed out whilst dragging themselves with their front feet?

That’s what the fuckin dog’s doing and when the mom sees this she freaks the fuck out screaming about how she just had the carpet cleaned. It’s an ad for a carpet cleaning service which has to be the most realistic commercial I’ve ever seen.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

bitches need to pay

2007-05-29T08:31:00.001-05:00

So let me see if I’m understanding some shit correctly.

Forgive me if I miss something here but you can get puking assed drunk, run your fuckin car over a curb, and leave the scene of the accident to admit yourself to the emergency room.

The cops show up at the hospital where after having your blood drawn find that you’re over the limit. Then after searching your car they find cocaine in it and just to top all this shit off, you’re not even twenty-one yet.

But because you’re a famous movie star you’re not even arrested?

What the goddamned fuck is wrong with muthafuckin people?

If this happened to some regular Joe off the street, their drunk ass would be sitting in the inside of a cell, shitting without paper.

But if you’re Lindsay Lohan you’re allowed to leave?

What ever happened to no one is above the fuckin law and shit?

If this shit happened to you or me I know for goddamned sure we’d be in somebody’s fuckin jail with bail set at a trillion fuckin dollars.

But this drunken cock swilling cunt seems to get off Scott free because she’s rich and famous.

Reading shit like this just makes me so angry because for one it’s not fair and it send a clear sign to the so called privileged that breaking the law’s ok and dandy as long as you’re rich and pretty.

Take Paris Hilton, bitch hasn’t even done her time yet and already she’s looking at a reduced sentence for good behavior? How in the fuckin fuck does that happen?

Now I know that in the big picture of shit happening around the world this ain’t shit. But you know what; I don’t give a flying rat’s fuck. I want these people to get treated like the rest of us would.

Make it fair and give these bitches a judicial fisting they’ll never forget.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

buck assed nekked roomie

2007-05-28T11:17:00.001-05:00

For whatever reason God intended, his amusement or mine, I’ve lived most of my adult life with women who were employed in the adult entertainment industry.

Call em what you will, stripper’s, pole dancer’s, burlesque queens, performance artists but they’ve all shared the same trait, taking their clothes off for a living.

I’ve always dug the stripper for many reasons. I guess the first being the fact that they’re cool to hang out with and usually as a rule not fuckin bad to look at. Plus one can’t forget the buck nekked thing they had going on.

And way the fuck back in the day when I got my right eye cut out in a bar fight? It was a stripper who got to me first and started the first aid on my fucked up ass.

One of my most loved stripper roommates was this chick I first met when I bounced at the LoneStar in Westport. We got to talking and I found out that I knew her parents from way back when I ran a liquor store south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

So it was like we’d known each other for years. It was just after I’d purchased the big ass house on the trafficway when I asked her did she want to move in. A week later I woke up one morning and there she was passed out in one of the bedrooms.

I think we had a lot of fun together, she had her life and I had mine and we enjoyed each other’s company, plus with three floors and six bedrooms there was more then enough room to get out of each other’s way.

She had to be one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known. She bartended and stripped at night and went to Collage during the day. I found her transcript one day and learned that she made the Dean’s list every year she was in school plus spoke French like she lived there and wrote it as well.

One of the things we’d do for fun was to come home and jump into bed and query each other from the New York desk reference manual. Of course I was shit faced and she was stoned, but it was fun all the same.

She also had the most fucked up appetite I’d ever seen. One day I brought home a slab of ribs and had to run back out to the store for cokes and shit. When I came home twenty or so minutes later the slab was fuckin history.

It was like, what the fuck just happened here? Where’s my food? I was to find that for a chick packing less then 130 on her ass she could harm some fuckin food.

If she had nothing to do she’d drop a whole turkey in a pot and sit in front of the TV cross-legged holding her pot of turkey and eat that whole muthafucker to the bone.

And fuck buffets, I took her to one for dinner one night and I swear to God I watched her eat for two solid hours. Not just picking at her food but plate after plate of food. There was fucker’s coming out of the shittin kitchen just to watch. When she finally finished I had to help her ass to the car. Girl had skills.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

2007-05-25T09:50:00.001-05:00

From the “hmmm, so big and meaty” department……..

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, the best thing about doing a blog is the amount of freedom you have to say what you want and feel.

Ever since I started writing on the web way the fuck back in the day, I’ve had many a discussion with friends and reader’s on my habit of gleefully abusing the Kings English.

I suppose cursing is like smoking or drinking, it’s not for everyone, and everyone does it a bit differently from everyone else. But where I differ I think is that I do it so willingly, because it’s a known fact that I enjoy cursing to a great degree when I write.

My only regret is that at times I feel that I could be more descriptive, but due to content and time allowances I’m sometimes forced to stick to the tried and true basics, for I truly believe that great cursing is a lost art.

Any asshole can throw out fuck, shit, damn in any number of ways but the true artist such as Shakespeare, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Red Fox, Moms Mabley, cowboys of the Old West, old sailors were all masters when it came to cursing.

And let us not forget the fact that I was raised and educated at the feet of my father, who was a lifelong cop of the old school variety, and a master of cursing in his own right who took great delight in teaching me the word “muthafucker” and its many variations.

And I always admired the person that could jump from one language to another whilst cursing, and having been at the receiving end of a cussing done completely in a Latin tongue intermixed with English and French, I can attest to it’s cutting to the bone qualities.

It seems like lately the only people you can curse comfortably around are your close friends because I know that on the job I have to watch very carefully what I say around my co-workers.

But when I write on my blog I know that at least I can exercise my right to free speech and say whatever floats my boat.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I think something's stuck in my undercarriage

2007-05-24T11:31:00.001-05:00

I feel so bad today.

See, I’m one of those drivers who’ll jump a curb instead of running down a stupid squirrel or chipmunk.

And I’ll honk at birds and shit so as to make em clear the fuckin road so as not to hit em, which brings me to what happened this morning on the way to work.

There I am driving, minding my own business and shit when I see this bird standing in the middle of the road like he owned it.

I was gonna honk the horn but since it was early in the morning I decided against it and anyway, what bird doesn’t fly out of the way when it sees a big ass car coming?

So I just kept driving expecting to see the bird flying away as it dropped a load of crap on my hood for disturbing it.

But I never saw the bird fly away and suddenly I heard a noise.

“Oh my fuckin god” did I just run over the fuckin bird?

Because the noise I heard was that kind’a wet popping balloon sound small animals tend to make as the tires of a four-thousand pound car makes contact with their small brains and intestines.

So I slid to a halt and looked behind me only to see the same bird lying in the road deader then a muthafucker.

What the fuck just happened?

Did the fuckin bird decided to commit suicide and instead of eating a bullet use my car instead?

Why didn’t the muthafucker do like everyone else and just hop or fly out of the way? It’s not like he was stunned by my natural beauty and went into shock and shit.

Am I now cursed for all eternity because I mowed down some stupid black bird? Fuck, it’s not like I killed and ate a fuckin Bald Eagle or some such shit but I just feel horrible.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

bullerproof monks

2007-05-24T09:20:00.001-05:00

“Buddha-hood is sometimes defined as freedom from the negative states of mind such as hatred and desirous attachment.

When one is freed from mental obscurations one is said to attain a state of unimaginable, continuous bliss where all limitations on one's ability to help all other living beings are removed”.

Yeah, well that shit got stretched the fuck out yesterday according to the news story here in town.

Here at our Union Station a group of Tibetan Monks were demonstrating the art of constructing a Tibetan Mandala, or a “kyil khor” if I’m not mistaken.

Which as you all know is a sand drawing usually depicting a landscape in Buddhist lore or a vision of Buddha. Native American Indians also created their own mandala’s in sand as well as clothing and other objects.

So these monks have been at it for two days working on this large sand drawing and as you can tell from the photo it’s some painstakingly nitpicky shit.

Plus you have to admire muthafuckers who can work all bent over like that for hours at a time. So they get done for the day and head back to the hotel to get their prayer and juice on.

After they leave, this little kid crosses the ropes barricading the mandala and decides he wants to dance all over the almost completed sand drawing just fuckin it up.

A surveillance camera recorded this small crumb snatcher, maybe two to three years old, who after waltzing through the ropes into the sand started dancing like he lost his fuckin mind.

After a few minutes, the video showed a woman pull the kid away walking off like nothing happened, acting like it was just another trailer park day at Wal-Mart and shit.

And of course Tibetan monks being who they are just quietly started rebuilding the mandala saying that they held no anger toward the child or his mother.

Of course some of my many inside sources were on hand who told me what really went down. That after walking in and viewing the damage the monks excused themselves to meditate in private and pull their shit together.

They headed out back behind the train station where they got all Kwai Chang Caine on a bunch of bums and white craned the fuck out of a couple of locomotives.

Myself personally?

I think the little kid deserves to be handed over to the monks for a couple of months and his stupid mother who should have had his meddling ass under tow, needs to become the monks bitch servant for a good while or blowing em or something.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"